Ghoulish Schemes

On this night of wickedness

Comes merriment and wonderment,

For people tell their children so.

Stories filled with fright and fun

Are told ’round a campfire,

One by one.

So one by one they build upon

The lies which ancestors spun.

Weaved carefully and carelessly

All at the same time.

But lies are never more than that,

The truth has always won.

For on this cherished night of fall

Evil companions scour the walls.

Ghoulish schemes are hatched

And planned by creatures

We have never seen

Outside of dreams.

So hold you children close tonight,

And check their treats for tricks.

For on this night we should be scared

Of the monsters we say don’t exist.

Ghoulish

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Inside My Workout Binder

Exercise was never part of my life, if I’m being totally honest. It wasn’t until I found out about some of my physical conditions and I started going to physical therapy that I learned the importance of it. Being a mom now, I wanna make sure my daughter sees me working on my body so that she can grow up knowing how important it really is.

Top 10 Fall Marshmallow Fluff Recipes

https://www.tastesoflizzyt.com/fluffernutter-dip/

https://www.somethingswanky.com/smores-cookie-bars/

https://www.sugarandsoul.co/mud-pie-brownies-recipe/

https://cakewhiz.com/smores-crepes/

https://lilluna.com/fluffy-caramel-apple-dip/

https://www.alattefood.com/pumpkin-pie-fluff-dip/

https://www.thebestdessertrecipes.com/Recipes-for-Pies/Impossibly-Fluffy-Marshmallow-Pumpkin-Pie

https://wonkywonderful.com/salted-caramel-pecan-cheesecake-dip/

http://werefarfromnormal.com/2017/05/gooey-delicious-smores-cookies.html

http://thecakeblog.com/2016/12/hot-chocolate-cake.html

Fluff

Never Enough

I try my best to be thankful for the little things I have, but it’s difficult when there’s always something new to bring us down. Money makes the world go round, so they say, I wouldn’t know. But I do know that needing more is stealing my joy and hope. My daughter loves me so, we’re as close as close can be, but because of her own issues, sometimes that’s hard for her to see. Our home is an apartment filled with neighbors who have tried to do everything in their power to get us kicked to the curb.

My husband is my best friend, and for years my only friend. We’ve been to hell and back together, an extremely difficult path. At first it began with us chasing our dreams, and oh did we get close. But now our lives consist of trying to figure out how to support us. We haven’t been alone in well over a year, I’ve never had a babysitter, and our daughter won’t tolerate being alone with strangers. I wish and try to find a way for us to live our lives to the most, instead we spend our days scared that we may not survive.

But having them alone should simply be enough for me, and gratitude is a feeling that is quite unknown to me. I’ve spent most of my life focusing on how to stay alive, I’m not quite sure I can figure out how to live a life instead. I’m trying to be better, to improve for my little girl, working out, eating better, never smoking in front of her. And yet them bigger issues in myself elude me so, I need some help to find myself before I get too old.

Gratitude

What I’d Prefer…

Let’s talk about the life I’d rather lead, one where my family is happy and healthy. A life where I’m free from constant pain, where every single day doesn’t seem like a drain. A modicum of truth that we all must accept is that the only certainty to life is that it ends with our deaths. It’s morbid, most say, to think and live this way, but I think of it as simply being a realist.

I haven’t always been this jaded, it’s a result of decades of feeling unappreciated. I put so many others before myself, I forgot that I’m supposed to take care of myself. That’s one of the hardest things to do when there isn’t anything that can help fix you. The pain I feel now will only get worse, to the point where one day I’m unable to move. It’s sad for me to now admit that I’d rather die before that day hits.

A ray of sunshine used to shine light onto everything that’s ever been dark in my life, but I find myself lately trying to avoid it, afraid for anyone to see who I’ve turned into. I can’t help myself but feel ashamed that I’ve let the world make me this way, this isn’t who I wanna be, and I’m trying my best to get back to being me.

Prefer

Surrealism in Reality

Ever have something completely terrible happen to you? I’m talking the kinda shit that makes you wanna cease to exist, the stuff that makes you wish you were never born? I find those things happening to me more and more as life goes on, yet I’m still so taken aback, so surprised and overwhelmed, and I never know quite how to respond.

In these moments, I find myself feeling a sense of surrealism, wondering if it’s really my life, if it’s a nightmare, or if it’s even real at all. But it’s very much reality, life can be torturous and unfortunate and completely and totally unfair, but we must continue on our journey for those we love, for those who love us.

We can’t just give up every time life throws us a curveball, but we can cut ourselves some slack and allow ourselves a break to readjust and let the dust settle before we jump back in. We’ve been reprogrammed to believe and think and feel that crying means weakness, but in my humble opinion, it’s the exact opposite really.

If we deny ourselves the one thing our bodies are programmed to do when something awful happens, how can we truly heal our wounds? If we don’t let ourselves fall down, how will we ever learn to get back up again? And furthermore, what example is that setting for our children, the future generation that we’re raising?

Surreal

Preserve the Arts in Schools

Fine arts programs and coursework has been steadily disappearing for too many consecutive years now. In poor and struggling communities, arts are the first thing to get thrown out of schools, but from my own personal experiences, those are often the students who can most benefit from music and arts.

As someone who grew up constantly changing homes, foster homes, family members, friends, there was only ever one constant in my life. No matter where I lived, I had to go to school, and fortunately for me, every school I attended had a choir. Music was my life because it brought me stability, it made me feel understood, and from I became better equipped to express myself emotionally.

The thought that there are children struggling through life who are now being deprived of and having taken from them potentially the only thing that can help them cope or deal, absolutely fucking kills me inside. Get out and vote to keep your local public arts education programs fully funded and intact, our youth will thank you!

My First Audition

When I was 10/11 years old, I read in my local newspaper that a group of executives from a prominent record label in Nashville was coming to my area. It was simple really, fill out the required paperwork, pay the $50 fee, and bring a blank VHS tape if you’d like the performance to be recorded.

We had recently moved to a new area, and ever since I’d been struggling to feel like I fit in. So if cleaned up the house, acted as perfectly as possible, and pitched the idea to my mom. I honestly don’t know why she agreed, we were never close and not once did she feign even the slightest interest in anything I enjoyed.

When the day finally arrived, we picked up my only friend and headed to the hotel ballroom. My song choices were between Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” and “My Immortal” by Evanescence. Both encased two different qualities in my voice that I thought sounded good, but ultimately I went with my girl Avril.

At last after hours of performances, they called me to the stage. While I was incredibly nervous, I’d also never felt more sure of anything before that moment. I remember wearing my white Adidas, the original old school ones, I stared them down so hard as the music began. I instantly regretted wearing khakis, like what was I thinking.

The video starts recording, and seconds after it begins, the sound guy can be heard asking my mom if she thinks that I’m actually gonna sing. Apparently my nerves weren’t as hidden as I had thought, and I would afterwards discover that I had sweated through my shirt and jacket, so I was drenched. But it didn’t affect my performance one bit, and I sang my little heart out.

I had a quiet start, but I finished strong, and the record execs actually expressed interest in me, but my mom couldn’t possibly allow me that much enjoyment out of life; in her words, I was lucky just to have gotten the experience. I’ll never forgive her for that moment, music is still to this day what I know I’m meant to do, and I tried so hard, but ultimately failed. I keep toying around with the idea of applying for the Voice, but I guess only time will tell.

Fall Tones of Orange & Red

The leaves are falling from the trees,

They land on grass that’s barely green.

Our eyes observe the many changes,

Our bodies feel the wind is blazing.

The air is crisp and slightly cold,

Preparing us for the snow to come.

Beyond the falling leaves we see,

The animals begin to flee.

They gather food and dig their holes,

Preparing to hibernate through the cold.

The birds are flying through the sky,

They’re heading south in search of warmth.

If only I could follow them,

I’d leave this town until the cold ends.

Orange

The Crippling Pain of Winter

When you’re living with mental or chronic pain causing illnesses, weather can have an immense impact on how you feel. As someone who has both, I just wanna touch base on how I personally struggle and hope that others out there who can relate will find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. That’s been the biggest benefit to me of being on WordPress, and I know I’m not the only one.

Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, affects a huge population of people all throughout the world, yet there’s still too many who haven’t heard of or don’t know what this is. We’ve all felt gloomy on a rainy day, but this is a much more heightened sensation. People struggle to different degrees, but people with SAD have to go through life knowing that where we live can negatively impact our lives.

I live in Northeast Ohio, about an hour south of Lake Erie, and the winters can be fucking brutal. The fall weather has only just arrived, and yet it’s already affecting my life. My pain level is the highest it’s ever been outside of my c-section, and my tolerance is running thin. I’m currently under no treatment or medications of any kind, either, which does make it harder I’m sure but it’s just not an option right now.

Currently my diagnoses include major depressive disorder, SAD, PTSD, rheumatoid arthritis, scoliosis, degenerative disc & joint diseases, hidradenitis suppurativa, eczema, psoriasis, and there’s multiple more. Every single one I listed is negatively impacted by cold weather, so right now they’re all kicking my ass badly. Here’s to hoping my family can one day have enough money to move somewhere warmer, maybe then my pain will stop overwhelming me so.

Self-Sabotage Stephanie

Today I’ve decided to address one of my biggest pet peeves with myself. I’ve never really met anyone that was very much like me, in fact, it’s been difficult to identify with other people for most of my life. I’ve always struggled to figure out exactly who I am. I’m sure a good deal of us feel that way, but I feel as though I’ve had a harder time than most.

There are few things about myself that haven’t changed drastically over time, and they’re not all good. To put it simply, I have a tendency of fucking things up based on nothing more than fear. I allow it to consume me, and therefore control my decisions, actions, and reactions. The handful of times this has happened proved to be the most difficult moments of my life.

The most unforgivable of those events was discovering that one of my biggest fears was success. When you’ve never felt something so basic and pure as pride in yourself, success seems like a foreign country, totally unbeknownst and incredibly overwhelming. Harder yet was admitting to myself that I wasn’t scared of losing everything I had worked for, I was scared of change.

Things have been absolutely awful as of late, and yet as scary as it is, I know that after so long of feeling sadness, pain, sorrow, loneliness… that I feel completely at home here. Change is scary, but I no longer wish to be the girl setting herself up for failure, I’m ready to be the woman who’s open to change so that I may teach my daughter by example.

Identity

Outside the Box

Forget about the rights we have, we abuse them every day, and yet in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away. Around any corner could be awaiting your dismay, but on and on we go, pushing through the day. We put ourselves in boxes, categorize ourselves by race, gender, sexual preference, but it hardly does a thing that isn’t detrimental to our beings. You’re more than just a number, a signature on a form, don’t sign your life away just to be part of the norm. You do not have to be like them, with this I must implore, so take my hand and grab a friend and help me change the world.

What makes you unique can’t be defined by a book, you can search through all my knowledge, look in every nook, but still you cannot label me, for I’m far outside your box. To me this is a blessing, not being assigned to any flock, but to most I am an outcast, deeper than any black sheep am I cast. They tease and push, lash and brush by like I’m nothing, like I’m no one, but I am content being unlike the rest of you, for I will teach my daughter to live outside your boxes, too. I’ll show her that what makes her special is what sets herself apart from the rest of the world, scattered and burned, I’ll teach her to survive your world.

Trademark

Recklessness At Its Best

Everybody needs someone,
To understand and take their hand.
What happens when there is no one
To call a friend or give a damn?
You’ll give in to anything
To feel that love again.

Don’t let the past be your anchor,
It’s like tying weights to your feet.
Don’t let your fear get the best of you,
Can’t promise you won’t feel a thing.
But nothing in this life comes easy,
Not if it’s worth anything.

My heart feels like a big black hole,
Nothing seems to soothe my soul.
I search and look yet never find
A place to feel some peace of mind.
However inevitable drowning seems,
Hold your breath and burst the seams.

When the nights start flying by
And you’re running out of time,
Tell me here it all went wrong,
And how I’ll reach the end alone.

Breaking Point

I’ve never been whole but I can’t lose any more parts of who I am because I already don’t really even know who I am anymore. I don’t think my heart is but my mind is to the point where I can’t let myself show that to people anymore unless I’m sure they’re not just gonna break me.

I don’t know how many more times I can fall apart on my landing to rock bottom and put myself back together.

It feels like there’s too many missing pieces, there’s too many cracks, not on the surface but all the way down to the foundation. I’m scared to let people in, but when I need someone the most, there’s never anyone around who cares enough to try and help me break down these walls.

Chasing Sanity

Another song from my unfinished repertoire, I hope you all enjoy!

I wish my memories would disappear,
Like all the times you bailed on me.
They’re like the dreams that wake you
In the middle of the night.
The ones you wish you could forget
Are engraved deep inside my head.

(Pre-Chorus)
No one should ever have to see
The dreadful things that I have seen.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

I’m tired of being gaslighted,
And I am tired of getting burned.
It feels like nothing goes right
In this messed up, lonely world.
Don’t look for me, I’m not around,
I’m over it, I’ve left that town.

(Pre-Chorus)
I won’t be back, so save your laughs,
I’ve left your scene, cruel & obscene.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

(Bridge)
Like sad eyes on happy faces, you can’t see what’s inside, just what I show on the surface. And this song goes out to over thinkers, yeah and the silence seekers whose screams could deafen, if only you would listen. If only you would listen… Maybe then you’ll see a different side of me, that I keep underneath this mask to keep myself from bleeding out again.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

Comedy in the Morning

Good morning; start your day with a smile! Here’s a random comedic thought using humor to talk about my actual fears, seems to help me cope!

I’ll forever be terrified of the idea of cruise ships, how many horror stories have you seen in the last five years? Everything ranging from drunk captains to disappearing ships. I just don’t want my survival to ever depend on my ability to swim, because its practically nonexistent. And let me just say, there’s plenty of room on the door you’ll catch me floating by on for whoever I’m with to join me. Yes folks, that was indeed a stab at Rose from Titanic for being a selfish bitch. #JacksLifeMatters

Dancing for My Daughter

I’ve never been much for dancing; despite music always being a part of me, despite being able to feel the beat, I’m too critical of what others will think of me to really let loose. That being said, having children will change you, and for this I’m so thankful to have a daughter, but I do struggle with picking and choosing how to handle certain situations.

One thing I’m absolutely sure of, though, is that I never want her to hold back because of an irrational fear of what everyone else thinks. So when there’s music playing or she’s gearing up to try dancing, I whole heartedly dance with her. I won’t let my fear rub off on her, I’ll take it as an opportunity to be better for her. That’s my goal every day of my life.

Madness & Mayhem

Here’s one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written, hopefully recording soon!

I’ve spent more time in my life
Chasing an invisible light,
Than I ever have trying to feel alive
And I feel like I’ve been wasting my time.
Who knew what I’d become instead,
It’s not the life I thought I’d have.
I’m a shell of who I thought I’d be,
Not half the girl I ought to be.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

I just woke from that dream again,
The one where I swore I was dead.
Just think of what it meant to me
To feel like I was finally free.
I need a way to find some peace,
Before life brings out the worst in me.
There’s no point fighting gravity,
Rock bottom’s where I’m meant to be.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

(Bridge)
Madness, madness & mayhem,
I got caught up again,
Same old trend, I’d tell a friend,
But in the end, I’m all alone.
So now I, I gotta find myself,
Before I turn into someone else,
I think it might be too late,
Impossible to keep the faith.
I’ve lost all hope again,
I don’t want my life to end,
But I contend that I’m afraid
To face the cold on my own.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.
It’s not enough.
I’ve had enough.

Scarred for Life

“She was either wildly naive, or dangerously intelligent. Her body, flecked with scars, was a puzzle of near misses and mistakes that she wouldn’t let herself repeat.”

I seem to be identifying lately with concepts such as these. I’ve always struggled with whether I’m feeling weak or strong, and whether or not the person I’ve become is who I’ll be forever. I’m not proud of myself anymore, some days I feel like I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I hope that something comes along soon to remind me of who I am, and to give me hope that life can improve.

The Flames Among Us

He set fire to the world around him, but never let a flame touch her. He was fearless in the most dangerous of ways, not to others, not to society or humanity, but mostly to himself. In his mind, his thoughts all thrive on darkness and revenge. The plans he makes, the times he spends obsessing over every detail. He can’t subside without compromising everything he believes in, but he can’t seem to fight this newfound person living in his head.

Shadow Of A Doubt

You can’t run from your shadow, but you can learn to co-exist. You can fake a smile, run a mile, or pick up a new friend. Read a book, glance and look for some kind of distraction. Drive to the ocean, see the waves in motion, and stay there for awhile. Rub your toes in the sand, get yourself a tan, and really just go wild. You might unwind if you find the time to let yourself relax, so take a seat, put up your feet, and get ready to take a ride.

Enlighten Me

Pardon my imperfections, for they’re always shining through, despite my best intentions to hide them all from you. I’ve never been a saint but can hardly be called sinner, for even my worst mistakes were never meant to hurt you. I try and try, but fail I might to find some bigger reason for why things are the way they are, to just help me get through it. The tunnel has no light right now, none that I can see, but at least I have you by my ride to always cheer for me.

Enlighten

Phobia Phenomenon

What if our phobias are based on how we died in a past life? Imagine something so terrible happening to you, affecting you so deeply, that you even carried it with you after your reincarnation. For those of you who believe like myself, I think and hope that you’ll find it as intriguing as I do.

Phobias are something that even science struggles to make sense of, and from a psychological standpoint, I believe the nature versus nurture argument can easily be made here. Not every phobia is sparked by traumatic event, and sometimes the phobias of a parent can cause their children to follow suit.

While I’m a huge psychology buff, and I could happily debate or discuss nature vs. nurture all day, sometimes I force myself to think outside the box. In this particular instance, it just so happens that the seemingly “out there” idea seemed decently logical to me, at least compared to most other theories.

I’m not a religious person by any means, but I do consider myself to be spiritual in ways. There were times in my life where I was completely open to go to several churches and give it a shot, and I was a Christian once upon a time. I also didn’t always believe in reincarnation, but I’ve experienced things that have led me to reconsider.

Seeking Advice

To my amazing followers, I’ve one quite a few searches and read blogs and articles about it, but I’m still having an issue figuring out how to gain some more traction on my blog. If any of you could please offer any insight or advice, it would be so greatly appreciated! I’m off all other social media for reasons I won’t get into, so that kinda has me stumped on how else to spread the word. I’ve been following more bloggers on here as well and interacting with more posts trying to find others who can relate to my words the way I’m drawn to theirs. Thanks in advance!

Broken Ice & Glass

She was a girl made of ice and glass, but she would risk being broken to help someone in need, especially someone she loves. She’s the kind of girl that society says doesn’t truly exist, she’s elusive and isolated inside her own thoughts and feelings. She’s unable to put herself first, despite her visible fragility and lack of proper care. She’s secluded from society even in a room overflowing with people and noise, not for her lack of trying.

She’s the girl whose eyes convey a certain type of sadness that’s easily seen from across a crowd. The girl who makes you appreciate your life because of her obvious misery, the girl nobody wants to be around because of the suffering she shares. She’s unable to shield the struggles from her fave, even through the closest thing to an honest smile she can muster. She’s the epitome of empathy, yet her presence calls for sympathy no matter how hard she tries.

This post started as a short sentence prompt I found on Pinterest, but it quickly turned into something that I could relate with deeply. Have you ever started a prompt and it unexpectedly turned into your subconscious pouring out your feelings about yourself without you even realizing? I find this happening more often, despite my attempts to write outside of my perspective, sometimes it just forces itself out.

Expectations & New Foundations

If we learn to take the good and bad, find balance in the mess, then life won’t seem so crazy. Sometimes we expect too much and set ourselves up for failure. While we should hold on to our dreams, sometimes they’re just not meant to be and if we can’t accept it, then we’re screwed.

So now instead of thinking ahead and thinking about what we feel we deserve, then we can at least learn to appreciate the life that we have now. Living in the moment instead of obsessing over what if’s can give you some more freedom to enjoy the life we’re living.

This is something I struggle with but I’m striving to be better, to show my little girl that having less doesn’t mean I settled.

Expect

My Mother’s Mistakes

Simply put, I come from a tainted gene pool; the very small group of them that I do know and know of are all sick and twisted undividuals, riddled with a whole range of physical and mental diseases and disorders. If I’m being completely honest, my mom is the root of most of my biggest struggles, even still today. I’ve written about it briefly in other posts, but things have happened between us that have made therapists themselves cry.

We still have a relationship currently, not a healthy one by any means, but the only reason for that, despite my many attempts and resolutions, she’s good to my daughter. Essentially every time we’re in a room together, there is some type of disagreement at the very least, and while I do accept that I’m easily baited, it doesn’t get easier with age like I hoped it would. She thinks she can still dismiss and disrespect me and that just by being nice to my daughter, that makes it all okay.

She’s the reason so many of my relationships have either blown up or ended with me feeling broken. The only silver lining I’ve been able to find after all this time is just knowing that I’ll be the exact opposite as her, that my daughter will never feel demeaned and worthless in my eyes. I’ve said this to her face multiple times and she doesn’t even try to defend herself, but why won’t she even attempt a sincere apology?

There are moments in life that never leave us, ones that molded, defined, and deeply affected who we would after become. Addressing those issues with her generally results in either her claiming it never happened, that I made it up, and acting as though she has the right to be offended for being confronted on her own actions. How do I reach a point where I’m not enraged and outraged by her response, even though I know that’s what’ll happen?

I have an older brother that I will most likely never have the chance to meet, he was given up for adoption by my mom in 1988 when he was 10 months old. He was born in Puerto Rico and I would later find out that my mom never even filled out paperwork with the family he was taken in by, and it kills me that I don’t have enough information to locate him.

I’ve spent many hours since finding out about him when I was around 10 just hoping that he had an amazing life full of love and joy, hoping that at least maybe my suffering can hurt a little less knowing he didn’t have to suffer through it. I’ve daydreamed for days on end about what it might have been like to have an older brother around to protect and guide me. I hope I find you some day.

Random Re-Post

For any of my newer followers or anyone who may have missed it, please check out my short excerpt from my novel, The Kids You Don’t Know“. It’s a very slow work in progress, mostly because of not having a ton of me time and that given the content, it’s actually quite difficult for me to write. I hope you’ll give it a chance, it’s one of the most important things I’ll probably ever write. Thanks everyone, as always for reading and supporting me.

Nightmares and Terrors

“Welcome to the land of nightmares, where terror reigns and the only escape is in your wildest dreams.”

When I was 3 years old, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’m not comfortable getting into the why aspect yet publicly, but I would like to talk about how powerful our dreams can truly be, and how deeply they can impact our lives. Until I was a teenager, I would often sleep with my eyes open, too afraid to actually let myself get a restful night’s sleep. As a coping mechanism to help myself sleep better, I compulsively sucked my thumb for over a decade of my childhood, taking it with me well into my later teenage years. I couldn’t overcome it until I was 16 years old, although I started fully closing my eyes while sleeping when I was around 11. What people don’t tell you is that there are monsters in our minds as well, that our dreams can actually be quite haunting. I dreamt of things far worse than most of my childhood memories, and I seriously struggled to tell the difference between the two, becoming afraid that my dreams were actually reality. When you don’t feel safe at home and even your sleep becomes compromised, it’s incredibly and increasingly difficult to trust people, to allow yourself to enjoy and truly experience your life. Living in fear can really be the most crippling feeling, it can leave you feeling helpless and restless, and I wouldn’t wish it on even my worst enemies.

Breathe Deep

Inhale in, exhale out, don’t give up without a doubt. Times get tough, life will test you, but just push back and keep your head up. Underappreciated, overwhelmed, don’t let negativity wear you out. You are strong, you’re enough, everyone has opinions but that doesn’t mean they’re right. Value yourself and those you care for, for the cornerstone of life is cherishing those relationships. Take a breath, let it out, release all the anger you’re carrying around. It weighs so much, it weighs you down, so shake it all off and watch it fall to the ground.

Release

Express Yourself

Don’t ever let society take from you what’s yours, the way you form your thoughts or the morals you support. Everyone has differences, they’re as clear as day, but do not let that hinder you from saying what you wanna say. You’re destined to be you, no matter what you do, there will never be another who exactly like you. Our differences divide us, but we don’t have to let them, let’s divide the barriers and grind them down to nothing.

Express

A Plot of Earth to Call Home

Generally speaking, I’m not one for material possessions. Physical objects have never been important, and I don’t put much weight into them. I’ll forever love the lyric “The things you own, own you.” from Papa Roach’s first album. I never wanted to be the kind of person who needed things to compare to others or to consider myself successful. Life isn’t a competition, and unfortunately, too many treat it as such.

That being said, there is one thing that I’ve always yearned for, now more than ever after becoming a parent, and that’s a home that is truly mine. Many would say that is considered a material item, but when you’ve lived in poverty for most your life, you see that it is so much more than just that. Owning a home is having freedom, not just to decorate and silly stuff like that, but freedom to live, to feel safe and secure and comfortable. When you’ve only ever lived places that weren’t truly yours, there’s always this underlying fear of what could happen, where would you go if it was taken away.

Teachable Moments

As the first time mom of an almost three year old girl, I find myself often searching for things in life that give me the opportunity to teach her something, to teach myself something. Life is constantly presenting us with opportunities to learn and better ourselves, but most people fail to see the positivity that can come from even the worst situations. Recently my neighbors made a call to children’s services claiming that my daughter was being neglected. It was without a doubt one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, but in the end, their unsubstantiated claims resulted in the case being closed almost immediately after the intake case worker met my husband and I. I’ve spent the last few weeks since then in complete and total isolation, holding on to this ugly anger and hate, harboring resentment towards their false claims. It’s not easy to rise above the muck when someone has deliberately tried to ruin your entire life, and I’ve really struggled through it, but I think I finally found myself again. I already struggle to trust and open up to others and this has truly set me back in ways I don’t even think have fully manifested yet, but I don’t want to let it happen to me. Does being conscious of your own unraveling thoughts give us the power to redirect them? Why do people throw stones from glass houses? There has been a plethora of domestic violence disputes next door, yet I have stayed quiet in an attempt to not shit where I sleep, so they say. Yet part of me believes that I should have spoken up, that maybe this all happened because she’s afraid to ask for help in her own life, maybe she thought this would motivate me to unveil to the world what’s happening next door, but I have so much on my plate that I just can’t add any more. I’ve been feeling so unlike the person I always thought I was, generally I help everyone before myself, but my daughter deserves more than just my selfless nature, she should be number one and she certainly is, but that doesn’t make it easy necessarily. How does one find balance between who we are, who we wanna be, and who we’re meant to be? I’m learning as I go.

Far From Average

Do you ever find yourself thinking you’re different than the rest? When you see people being hateful, do you fail to comprehend? There’s parts of me that still believe I’m nothing, that I’m no one; yet there’s another side of me that I don’t let myself show often. I’ve always felt as though no one truly ever understands, I form the words, they come out right, but they still don’t seem to blend. The harsh reality of the world we see can shake us to our core, it’s made me question who I am, and what life has in store.

Don’t be afraid to give yourself some much overdue credit, allow yourself to feel as though you can rise above it. You’re entitled to appreciate the work that you’ve put in, you strive and strive and try so hard to make sure you’re conscientious. Even if there’s no one else to notice your hard work, give yourself a pat on the back, because you are worth the work. While judgment is considered to be a negative trait, sometimes we need to judge ourselves to put us in our place.

Mentors Throughout Life

Every single one of us has come across people who’ve changed the course of your life, people who have inspired you and left a bigger impact on your life than you yourself could’ve ever anticipated. For me personally, high school would’ve been substantially more difficult without the unwavering support and understanding I felt from my teachers and my guidance counselor. While they’re the typical mentors kids look up to in school, for me they were so much more. As a lonely kid living in a strange new home with literal strangers, it was comforting to know that my time spent in school would allow me to depend on those people, and I leaned on them incredibly hard. I’ve tried in the years since graduating to reach out, to let them know how much they meant, to really tell them the permanent impact they had on me as a person, so much so that I still strive to make them proud to this day, despite the fact that we don’t speak.

If you or someone you know is struggling, is alone or depressed, do them and yourselves the biggest favor you could possibly offer, be supportive and seek out the support that you need. Never be ashamed of feeling the way you do, don’t let that stop you from expressing yourself, for you never know whose guidance could lead you down the path you’re meant to follow for the rest of your life. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about opening up to them, and they truly helped change the course of my life. Any little piece of wisdom or advice could be enough to pull yourself back off the ledge. Allow yourself to be helped, and allow yourself to help others when possible.

Watch Where You Go

I’ve recently decided, as a writer, that I needed to try and branch out. Here is my first attempt at an educational song for children. Feedback is very much appreciated and welcome!

With a good sense of direction,
You are always in control.
With a good sense of direction,
You are always in the know.
With a good sense of direction,
You’ll get where you’re meant to go.
And all you’ve gotta do is simply
Watch where you go.

When you’re up on your feet,
When you’re feeling the beat,
Be aware of what’s happening.
Don’t forget to stop and see.
When you’re walking the streets,
When you skip merrily,
It’s your responsibility to
Stay aware of your surroundings.

It’s not only the right thing to do
When you are on your own,
It’s also something you should
Always do when you’re at home.
But you should keep an eye out
For the people that you love,
‘Cause it’s nice and you know
They’ll do the same for you.

Brave Enough

You don’t need to be strong enough to change the whole wide world, you just need be brave enough to change your own small world. The bigger picture can’t be changed unless you start out small, the little pictures all add up to something much more meaningful. You can’t address the world’s issues unless you fix your own, so take the wheel, don’t back down, and do what needs to be done.

Brave

No Risk, No Reward

There’s always gonna be those days where nothing seems to go your way. You push and pull with all your might, but despite your attempts, nothing turns out right. You find yourself deep in the night, the silence takes away all fright and finally you can hear yourself, the words you’ve desperately tried to make out. There’s no shame in the loneliness, it isn’t all your fault, give yourself a break, sweetheart, for the best is yet to come. No one else can second guess the thoughts inside your head, try not to let them get to you, you’ll be better off in the end. Only you can express yourself best, just focus on that voice, don’t fight your thoughts, embrace the chaos, and accept yourself for who you are.

Risky

Explaining My Absence

Sometimes life can be so incredibly overwhelming that even venting and writing about our problems can be difficult. Lately, life has been kicking me while I’m down, seemingly one terrible thing after another continues to happen, and I met my breaking point. As someone without many friends, venting isn’t really something I do with anyone other than my husband and with you, my readers. I know there aren’t many of you who follow me, but those of you whom have regularly read my posts have given me a boost of confidence when I’ve needed it, and I hope you’ll be there for me once again. I’m going to attempt to force myself to get back on here, to find some new prompts and topics to discuss that I’ve maybe haven’t touched base on before. With the holidays and end of the year quickly approaching, it’s time I start trying to figure out exactly who I wanna be next year and for the rest of my life. So welcome back, those of you reading, and thank you for following.

Downfall

You never asked, I didn’t offer, you left me feeling beaten, battered. The words replay inside my head, won’t let me sleep when I lay in bed. The sheets still stink of pure resentment, I’d toss them out but won’t give you the satisfaction. Scattered all across my home are little reminders of what I survived; the hole in the wall, the broken front door, the crack in the tile floor where it all went haywire. I’ve become jaded, I’m not unscathed, still carrying around all the awful things you’ve said. You’re the voice in the back of my mind that can’t be ignored, no matter how hard I’ve implored. You took from me my innocence, you robbed from me my youth, you stripped me down to just bare bones and left me on the ground. Yet after everything that you have done, I’ve still failed to get you out of my life. Is it fate or coincidence, is it a curse or meant to be, will you always be the downfall of me?

Inhabit

When love and fear collide for the first time, it makes us feel more alive, forces us to question everything we ever thought we knew. Even though the first glimmer from the rising sun may seem dim, it will fill the skies with light just as you fill my life with love. I’ve been many people, seen many things, but nothing I’ve ever felt has been more real than this. The moment you came into my life, the first time I held you, the first time you hugged me, those were the moments that my heart was first alive, that I felt true and lasting love. Those are moments I’ll never forget, my only regret is not snapping more pics.

Being your mother may not have been my choice, but I’m honored that it’s me because you’re my everything. There’s a never ending worry, fear, that creeps up on me late at night – worries that I’ll never be enough. But when those moments come, I try my best to remind myself that you are a little piece of me, and that you’ll always love me unconditionally. Things get hard, I won’t deny, sometimes I fail before I try, but I’ll always have you by my side, at least I hope, until the end of my time. Thank you for teaching my heart to let love in, for now it inhabits me. For my beautiful Coraline Jayde.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/inhabit/

Fostering Life

The following is something I’ve written for a non-profit organization I hope to start one day to help support foster kids.

Mission Statement:

Advocacy, Resources, Support, & Understanding for all foster children.

Vision Statement:

In order to properly address the needs of the foster children in our communities, we must first be willing to accept the fact that most of their struggles are caused by the overwhelming flaws in every aspect of every system. These issues that they face are because they are in dire need of more advocates, more allies, more assistance, and of the utmost importance, these children need to feel understood. We’ve reached a point of crisis, we currently have more children in need of homes than there are families currently willing or able to help. We are facing the worst addiction rates, the highest overdose rates, and these play an imminent part in the number of foster children. There is substantial evidence of correlation between addiction and people being unable or unwilling to care for their children. The sooner we acknowledge the truth, that so many things can be changed, fixed, and improved upon, only then can we attempt to find a better solution.

The Real Life Island of Misfit Toys

Here’s an intro to yet another book that I’ve been working on. Thanks for reading, enjoy!

Once upon a time, in a land far away, lived a cursed group of people, whom not even fate could save. They try and try with all their might, still struggling through the cold, long nights. No one to put their mind at ease, the voice inside their head, diseased. Never confiding in anyone, for trusting someone is far too tough, so instead they bury their thoughts so deep, the lies they tell themselves to sleep are merely a means to cope and breathe. Their confidence does not exist, forced out of them through all exits, yet they still try to coexist in a world where they’re constantly dismissed.

No Justice, No Peace

There’s no justice in this world, no country cares to feed its poor. She said “no child left behind”, as she crossed her fingers out of sight. The lies we’re told and tell ourselves are detrimental to everyone else. Everyone thinks they’ve had to suffer, and if you’re wealthy, its most unlikely. There are children predisposed to stress, born to parents who couldn’t care less, doomed to roam the streets in loneliness. Yet no one thinks of them in the ways I do, I know how they feel, been in their shoes. I feel such grief for every single child who grows up without a mother & father. One’s better than nothing, I would agree, but love from both parents helps, I’ve seen. Now worry not, there’s still a chance to do the right thing, to lend a hand. Let’s show these kids that we do care, help me help them feel like people again.

The Art of Illusion

I know what it’s like for no one to ask how have you been, for them to pretend they’re really your friend. And I know how it feels to be kicked when you’re down, no one around to help you get back on your feet. I know how to pretend that this ain’t the end, that we’ll make it through ’cause we always do. And I know this time around, you won’t be dragging me down, I’m standing tall and I’ll risk it all. You’ve ignored my cries for far too long, so I’m moving on now, I’m finally done.

Creative Writing Prompt #3

They sat shoulder to shoulder on the beach, willing the sunset to last just one second longer, knowing that it has already come to an end. This great adventure they embarked on so long ago has finally reached the point of resolution, and they must now decide their own fate from here on out. No more blind dependence on one another, no more partner in crime, no one else to assign blame for their actions other than themselves.

While the love they share is true and deep, their priorities haven’t been aligned in ages, and they both felt the time had arrived for them to finally put themselves first, rather than each other. Neither of them ever thought this day would come, and while a certain sadness circled them in the cool breeze above, there was also a silent moment of relief they both felt. It wasn’t verbally acknoeledged, but the look they exchanged said enough.

It wasn’t that they fell out of love, but they realized that love isn’t what had been keeping them together, but more it was the fear of what comes next. Not altogether abnormal, but for these two it was unknown territory, unchartered waters. Some things in life forever remain a mystery, sometimes it haunts you. Yet here they were, together, and yet they had already fallen apart.

The Kids You Don’t Know

Please enjoy this excerpt from the novel I’ve recently begun working on.

Story Description

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me.”

Most of us have heard some variation of the phrase, but most won’t admit even if they know firsthand that there are things people can say that hurt an infinite amount more than any beating ever could. That’s certainly not a phrase I’ll be teaching to my daughter, she needs to know not only that her words affect others, but that it’s perfectly acceptable to feel hurt by something someone says to or about you. We’ve become so accustomed to speaking in such a manner of selfishness, taking little or no responsibility for the outcome of verbal insults, assault, or abuse. If you’ve ever been victim to hurtful or abusive words, you’ll know how detrimental they can truly be.

My goal in life as a parent and a human being in general, is to be the exact opposite of what everyone thought or said I could be, to be so much more than just an addition to the unnerving statistics about kids in foster care or that come from abusive homes. So as I write this, it’s nearly impossible for me to express how many times I’ve thought about all the different ways this could go, writing about my story but in a way that isn’t really just about me. There’s an uncomfortable feeling in sharing your experiences with others and especially when written versus having a conversation with someone whom you trust.

Since this is the beginning after all, we’re gonna start as far back as I remember, my longest standing memories. One paragraph at a time I’ll unravel the strings that helped shape me into what and whom I am today, and each day as I grow and continue to write this. Bare with me, it may get a little ugly from here on out. Thank you for reading, even if just this, because I’ve said enough for you to now have things planted in your mind that may not have been there before, and my biggest goal in all of this is for it to grow and blossom into your mind, to manifest itself enough for you to spark a conversation or offer help to someone suffering.

Introduction

Not all children have families, you know. I’m here to tell the tale of the kids you don’t know. The ones who spend their time alone, locked inside their rooms; completely on their own, and you haven’t got a clue. There’s children going hungry, crying themselves to sleep. There’s kids forced to do awful things most adults would never speak. They’re forced to do these things but they just don’t yet understand the full repercussions of these actions in the end. I’m not just speculating, I’m telling you because I know; for I was one of those kids, and you’d never even know.

I go about my business just like everybody else, and take care of my daughter as if I were someone else. I try my best to just forget the things that I’ve been through, pleading silently with myself to just let it all go. I’ve cried myself to sleep so many times I couldn’t count, but you can surely count on me to not count on anyone else. I’ve come to accept the loneliness, as if it were a choice; pretending I’d rather be alone, trapped with my own voice. But the truth is very simple, yet it’s hard to comprehend; I long to feel lasting peace, stability in my head.

The chaos never quiets, it smothers me through the nights. I’ve begged for attention, cried out for help so many times, that in fact I think I’m all cried out, for my tears are running dry. The anger is consuming after time has failed to heal the wounds of a neglected child with a voice as piercing as nails. I’m no longer aware of the person that I am, not even sure who I’ll be in the end, but there’s one thing that I’m sure of, something I’ve always known; I’ll give the love to my daughter that I have never known.

People can be inherently cruel, especially when asked to understand things they’ve never been through. Empathy and sympathy are more so perceived by each of our urges to connect with other beings. Not everyone you encounter will be willing to attempt to see things through your eyes. There’s always gonna be another reason to look back, so don’t allow one lousy day make you question how far you’ve come. This is a life that only you have lived, the battles through the war that left you broken within; the sweat and tears that only you have shed. So here’s my advice, don’t let their opinions win.

They say that misery loves company, well I can tell you that they’re right. But misery also loves to be taken by surprise. Sometimes the smallest things can bring you joy, if you allow; but once you’ve become closed minded it’s incredibly hard to dig yourself out. Positivity eludes me, I’m sure some of you can relate, but we cannot let negativity sabotage our current state. Sometimes I look around and I feel torn, I feel conflicted. This may not be the life I want, not the one that I envisioned, but I know I’ve gotta make the most of what I’ve got while I’m still living. I’ve gotta learn to move on while my daughter is still young, before she’s old enough to follow my image.

This journey includes details about me, about my life, but it’s about way more than just that; it’s about shining some light. So many kids and young adults are living in the dark, ashamed to reach out and share what’s going on in their lives with someone else. There’s gotta be a way, I’m convinced, to help us all come clean about how we really feel at night when we’re alone. There’s certain things in life that never leave you, they stay with you, and most of us, I’d like to say, are having trouble coping with them. Let’s tackle this together, for it’s the only way, and paint a new picture where the sky’s not always gray.

Please join me in an attempt to share my story and to help teach you how to spark a conversation with someone you know who’s in the dark, or to help you reach out and enlighten someone else about what it truly means to be depressed, contrary to what you read about it in the press. Mental illness can be more devastating than any cancer, more dangerous than any gun. Destruction and disaster strike our hearts and minds, much like a flash of lightning you catch a glimpse of late at night; the exponential growth, the climb to the climax and the decline, and we find it hard to describe most times. It’s clichΓ© to end this way, but as they say, and I must implore, you don’t have to be alone anymore.

The Beginning

We all have blurred memories from our childhoods, some of which you’re not even sure actually happened but you go along anyways because a family member insists they witnessed it. For me, the blurry moments involve life changing events, things of an awful nature that leave lasting imprints on you, whether you’re certain of it happening or not. Let’s just say therapists have told me that if these events didn’t actually happen and therefore didn’t cause my PTSD, what did cause it was the constant reminder from my mother; the only family I’ve ever known. Some of the things she said to me are forever engraved in my brain, permanently burned into my skull.

More permanent than any tattoo or scar is a memory of one of your parents telling you how much they regret your existence. How does one find the will to keep going if the people who created you aren’t even truly invested in you? I remember thinking that I wish I could express to my mother how much I also wished I didn’t exist; how I wish I was as invisible in her eyes as I am in my own so that she would just let me be. I wished she’d just let me leave so I could disappear, never to be seen again. I was flooded with near constant urges of escaping or dying; I longed to feel absolutely nothing at all.

For as long as I can remember, my mom has been instilling upon me details of an alleged sexual assault, molestation as she preferred to call it, committed against me by my father, at 3 years old. While I’ll never know for certain that it legitimately took place, I will say, that if it did, I feel extremely lucky to have been too young to remember. Girls and women alike deal with these issues before we even know what sex is, spending too much time being sexualized by family, friends, and even strangers as well.

Even if you’ve never been molested or raped or assaulted, chances are you’ve at least been a victim to some form of gender related verbal attack or abuse. I find myself struggling quite often with this, not knowing whether or not it happened, wishing I could just know for sure so I can quit this “what if” mentality caused by the constant question of how different my life could and would have been with my father in the picture.

I’ll always remember being convinced that I was one of those missing kids on the side of milk cartons, that my mother stole me from somewhere or I was sent home from the hospital with the wrong people, that somewhere out there was a kid living a great and happy life that should’ve been mine. While those thoughts were with me for an unhealthy amount of time throughout my life, sometimes it’s all I had to keep me going, to keep holding onto.

My mom is full blooded Puerto Rican, both her parents and most of their families were from or still live there. If we’ve met, or if you look for my picture, you’ll know that we look nothing alike, which is initially why I wondered if I wasn’t actually her kid. But as time went on, as I continued to grow and learn, I have now let go of those childhood fantasies and have accepted that she’s really the only family I’ve ever known.

There were long periods throughout my life when my mom was incredibly ill, and she still is today. One of the first times she was having surgery, she sent me to live with a woman named Stacy and her husband, she was one of my babysitters when I was younger. She was great, I loved her, and I was so happy to get away. I stayed for an entire summer, even met a girl who was staying nearby with her grandma for the summer, we met at the neighborhood park and pretty much instantly became friends.

There were two other occasions where she was having surgery and I flew by myself to Puerto Rico to live with my grandparents, both stays were around a year each, with the second time being much worse than the first. Let’s just say that my mother is definitely my grandmother’s daughter, they’re so much alike that it’s scary, so I’m glad one of them lives on an island so I don’t have to deal with them both at the same time. Like mother, like daughter, as the old addage states, but that’s a cycle I fully intend to break, as I won’t be anything like them, I’ll be a loving mother instead. Hopefully that’s all it takes, then like mother, like daughter won’t leave loved ones in their wake.

For as long as I can remember, I’d have an army of friends built around me, people who loved me, people I could confide in, people’s whose parents could sense there were issues at home and always tried to comfort me and make me feel comfortable and welcome in their homes. School was always a safe haven for me, a schedule I could count on to keep me from being alone too much or with my mom too much. No matter where I was, I walked around on my own from a very young age, I always wanted to get away, to go on adventures, to see the world and feel true independence without limits.

More than anything, I just wanted to feel loved, accepted, wanted, needed, as any human does, but especially young girls without fathers and whose mothers are no role models. Friendship definitely isn’t an aspect of life where I ever took advice from my mom, I’ve always trusted my instincts without a fight, mainly now because the few times I haven’t have ended disastrously. But from a very young age, I felt older than I was, that I could relate to things I should’ve never understood, from music taste to entertainment to books, life issues, and more.

Despite all of this though, I’ve been known to be naive, to fall for people’s lies, to give people too many chances to hurt me again and again, most of whom never deserved a second chance, let alone a fifth or more. AOL, AIM, MySpace, VampireFreaks, and other iconic platforms were in their prime in the late 90’s & early 2000’s, my generation was the first to grow up seeking out strangers’ approval, friendship, or guidance on the internet. We’ll come back to this topic again, so I’ll leave it there, but the current purpose of this part is just to paint the picture you’ll need to better understand my frame of mind then.

I’ve never truly witnessed my mom having any healthy relationships, neither friendship or romance. She’s been married and divorced 3 times, but I’ve only met one of them, and two boyfriends afterwards. Her husband Andy was probably the closest I ever felt to having a real father, but she of course ruined it. He was a high functioning alcoholic, he struggled with demons just like the rest of us, but he was a great man.

Her boyfriend after that was at least 10 years her junior, he was in his mid twenties, was half covered in tattoos, and him and I had more in common than they did, he heavily contributed to some of the music I now attribute to being why I pursued music so intently. He would end up trying to rob us blind and pushing me down a flight of stairs to get away with it. After he got out of jail she would call him crying, begging him to return, despite my begging her to stop calling him.

The only thing I’ve always known about myself is that I love to sing. For as long as I can remember, it was my identifier, what made me memorable to others, the one thing that I was good at, and that made me feel special or unique. So as soon as choir was an option in school, I opted in every single year, and continued to all the way through to my high school graduation and even years beyong that.

Most everyone enjoys music, but there’s something to be said about the connection between raw, real music and someone who has greatly suffered. Music gives us life, it gives us hope, helps us cope, makes us feel understood if even for a brief moment in time. From a very young age I took interest in all types of music; no matter what it was, I just couldn’t get enough of it. I learned every song on every movie, cartoon, commercial, radio station, etc., and sang loud and proud just about everywhere I went.

“I judge books by their covers, and people by their faces.” With how bad things were at home, wherever that may be this time, I began looking for every potential distraction; boyfriends, girlfriends, friends in general, reading, writing, doing what I love most by joining choir and a local band. Reading, writing, and music were and still are the most enjoyable things in life for me; they help compose me when I can’t quite manage it myself. As for the people aspect of the phrase, well let’s just say that if you’ve ever seen the show “Lie To Me”, I’m a self proclaimed natural at recognizing the true emotions and feelings behind others’ facial expressions and body language.

I’m still not sure how far into the spiritual aspect of things like that I’ll associate it with, I’m not one of those people who believes in auras and energy that people give off (although I’m not condemning or judging that in any way). I’m just a very firm believer in following your gut instinct, listening twice and speaking only once until you’re certain of the authenticity of an unknown person’s demeanor.

There’s not a time I remember ever being wrong about someone, either, whether it be a friend’s boyfriend, a friend of my mom’s or husband’s, etc., and yet I’m still guilty of trusting way more than I should. No matter how many people betray, use, abuse, or accuse me of despicable things, I’m constantly heavy hearted over wishing I could help those whom I care about. Most of them don’t even speak to me on a regular basis, and yet it keeps me up at night knowing I’ll never truly be able to impact or reach them in the ways I want or need to in order to feel satisfied.

I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t times that I isolated myself from the world entirely, some would actually say that I’ve mastered and perfected the art. I won’t even argue with that, and am proud to say it now actually, because there was a time when I allowed toxic people to rule my life, meanwhile my current life is completely centered around my daughter and husband, whom both love me very much. Sometimes you’re left with no choice though, sometimes no one’s around when you need someone most, so I figure at least this way I know who I’ll always have instead of depending on those who can’t seem to ever make themselves dependable for me.

Let’s go back to reading for a moment though, because I hope more people see it as an option. While I was in high school, I can honestly say that I read more books (non school assigned) than up until now in my life. At 26, just getting back into reading on a regular basis in my free time, and as the mother of a 2 year old, I’m remembering books as I see them that take me back to time periods I had forgotten.

For that reason, I’m currently rereading some of those books as I begin this journey, with some new ones sprinkled in there as well, if for no other reason than looking for inspiration or maybe some kind of insight into some of the feelings that I may have pushed out of my mind. Sometimes I question just how truly different I am, I don’t really remember a time when I didn’t feel exactly as I do right now, but I also know that I’m not still that same scared girl I was, I’m a woman now.

If you enjoyed this, please follow me on Wattpad at HarmonixChiq for updates coming soon! Thanks to everyone who read, please feel free to leave comments!

My Own Best Friend

I wish, I wish I had a friend to be with me until the end, but since there’s no one else around, the only thing left to be found, the confidence to stand my ground. Convinced I needed someone’s help to help me become someone else, but instead after enough time passed, I discovered my life’s one true path. To be the mom I wanna be, I’ve gotta be enough for me. So now I’m fine with being alone, it’s more of what I’ve always known, but now I’ll take my chance instead, I’ve got my back, my own best friend.

Create

There’s nothing I’d rather do than creating something new, the patience and determination make me a better person. Learning to do many different things is my greatest joy in life, it brings me lasting pleasure to see my creations come to life before my very eyes. The latest thing I’ve learned do is crochet blankets, and now rugs too. The rug I’m currently working on is made with t-shirt yarn from old shirts that were shrunken, stained, or tattered, so I’m not just making something new, I’m recycling without making waste, too!

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/create/

Paragon

This has been the first word from Daily Post that I’ve had trouble coming up with something for, so I decided to take it upon myself to familiarize myself with the word better & fold it into my vocabulary.

Paragon: a model or pattern of excellence or of a particular excellence or someone of exceptional merit.

I wonder why it is that this isn’t a more prominent word amongst the English language, for I feel now that I know it better, it would’ve been a useful term to know prior to this. Paragon, a word I’ll now use as a goal for my child, I’ll teach her its importance, the value of the word. If I had known it sooner, I’d have done the same for myself, learned to live my life by it.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/paragon/

Karma Chameleon

Reincarnation. Do you believe? This is something that’s always peaked my interests, and for as long as I can remember, I’ve felt connected to the term “old soul”. For most of my life, it’s what I’ve attributed as the biggest cause of my struggles with friendships and relationships, the subtle yet substantial differentiations between myself and most others my age. Some religions revolve heavily around the idea, to most it’s referred as to coming back for unfinished business, kismet, or karmic retribution. I choose to believe that I keep returning because I’ve worked hard to be a good person and have yet to ever reap the benefits of those actions. I understood neglect and misery at a far younger age than most, and as far back as I can remember, I’ve been the same person, mentally speaking, despite obvious educational deficits back then. There’s two things I’ve always known, that I was meant for so much more than what I am, and that I’m destined to help people in some way. Here’s to hoping this lifetime turns around soon, or that the next is when it’s finally my time to shine, to hone in on all my various skills, and to reach my full potential.

Puncture

As the thorn tears through my skin, I feel a tingling sensation within. It caused me pain, and yet it helped me feel alive, the last time that I felt this way was when I got tattoos. Your words are made of bullets, they pierce and sting my soul, I can’t conceive that I believed the hatred you inspired. The way it all sounds in my head, those awful words you used, like “I wish you would die”, “Go find a new life”, or determining my worth. I’m haunted and I’m wounded, punctured through the heart, a new hole every single time you toy with my emotions. So I’ll never forget the things you said, I take them to my grave, and I’ll hope that in another life, I don’t see you again.


https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/puncture/


Taper

Trying to share a piece of myself with anyone else is where I struggle most, I push and pull, I’m needy and chill, and some days I just can’t help but cry until my eyes are running dry. So I taper off the parts of me that I don’t want the world to see, and hide behind what I perceive to be the idea of normalcy. I hope my act is convincing enough to keep the people out who have hurt me too much, to keep them from interfering with me and whatever it is my future may bring. So I tapered off the friends I had, until all that was left was my husband and then I even pulled away from him, realizing I needed to rely within. I’ve never been good at being alone, but I’ve learned to taper time by trying to do something good.


https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/taper/

Volume

It isn’t just having luscious hair, or blaring your music everywhere, but volume can stand for so much more; the volume at which you hold your moral code. I find it harder to relate to people my age, they don’t seem to comprehend basic manners and humanity. If I had money I would be the biggest philanthropist, teaching kids to read and helping keep the water clean. The wealthiest Americans are crippled by their greed, never fully knowing the change sharing it can bring. All I know is if I could, I’d help the world any way I could, and show my daughter that morality and humanity never grow old.


https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/volume/

Tender

I’m tough on the outside, my walls are kept high, I’m unable to identify with everyone around me. I’m pathetic and weak and feel sorry for myself, but I only let it show every once in a great while. I’m bad at reaching out, bad at asking for help, but mainly it’s because no one ever seems to care. Why would I continue to put myself out there, when all I’m ever met with is disappointment and discouragement? When someone asks me who I am, I ponder on whether to be honest or not, for it feels as though every single time I am, my calls for help still remain ignored. No one seems to understand and I wonder if they ever will, or if I’m just truly doomed to spend the rest of my days being totally and royally misunderstood. I’m delicate and tender, my feelings insecure, but people suck so I give up at making any new friends.
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tender/

Revelation

There’s people like me, unlucky and unloved, we find ourselves in harm’s way too often of the time. We’re valued as less because we’re poor, because of our color, our gender, or more, but mostly it’s the things in our lives we have no control over that contributes to the way society sees us. Tell me how that logic is fair, to judge other people for what they are, where they’re born, or what social class they fall into? Nothing about that is moral, yet it’s become the standard, a way of life for the middle class and higher to stick up their noses, to put down their foot and be selfish and greedy. We need more young people with fresh hearts and fresh minds to help spread positivity and solutions instead of passing judgment. The youth is our future, our present needs a revelation, some people to shake things up and show the world the devastation that’s caused by how we treat the poor, those who need help, and convince us to make those most vulnerable our number one priority.
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/Prompts/revelation/

Creative Writing Prompt #2

A knock on the door in the middle of the night never means good news, and as far as I was concerned, I wasn’t interested. Since I live alone, I had no intention of going anywhere near that door, but it definitely left me feeling uneasy. I tried my best to creep quietly from window to window, in a paranoid yet justified attempt to catch a glimpse of the mysterious knocker, but no such luck. A few moments passed between the knocks, and a few minutes later they ceased entirely. My skepticism and cynicity have me utterly convinced that something was seriously wrong, and my suspicions were made worse by the lack of foot steps. The absence of any sounds at all between when the knocking stopped and when I finally checked the peep hole on my front door not too long afterwards, to find absolutely nothing, no sign of anyone at all.

Triumph

Love and life, lust and loss, so many four letter words can define our lives. Hate and hell, risk and will, four letter words define our world. Winning and losing, losing and winning, everything depends upon your perception. Here’s what I think, this is what I say, as long as you learned something, you can win at anything. The biggest difference between triumph and tragedy is how you allow your life to impact you. There are heroes who’ve won and lost, but the greatest ones of all were not always winners. We’re human, we struggle, we fall off the path, we get too distracted and lose sight of ourselves. It’s those who’ve overcome misery whom are the wisest of all, and wisdom is only gained through perseverance. So fear not, even if you’re lost, for triumph is possible as long as you believe it.
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/triumph/

Crisp

The smell of fresh fall air after a light rainfall, the way the wind feels blowing on your face, the way you feel after a much needed embrace. We always hear that the best things in life are free, and for these reasons I’d agree, and maybe you can help me spread a greater appreciation for these things in the end. For too many people long for things, possessions, materialism, instead of what’s most imperative, to teach our children that money isn’t everything, that no one else can decide their worth, and if they believe in themselves then there’s nothing they can’t do. Give me the crisp, cool air, a crisp breeze through my hair, and my loved ones surrounding me everywhere I go. For these are the things that make life worthwhile, not the crisp dollar bills fresh from your bank account.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/crisp/

Comedy in Marriage

This isn’t like anything I’ve done before, and I’ve never really expressed my interest in this particular art to anyone before. I’ve always fancied myself a remotely, if not relatively funny person, being modest, I believe. So recently I decided to try writing out some jokes for the first time in seemingly forever, and I thought, what better place to test the water than here? Here goes, I hope you all enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My husband, like most of the man children we all married, still at the age of 30 gets incredibly violent and feral when it comes to losing or fucking up while he’s playing video games, or any type of game really. This time he just so happened to be playing F1, which I’m sure only the men in the house tonight will know of, because it’s a completely sexist sport with virtually zero women in the field, visible or behind the scenes. Dammit, my feminism’s showing, oops. So anyways, he’s playing this car simulation game & basically keeps running straight into the wall at the same turn. Here’s how the conversation played out.

Josh: Why am I so stupid, baby?

Me: *Shrugs*

Josh: You don’t have to answer, you can plead the 5th. *Laughing*

Me: I didn’t really know what to say anyways ’cause I can’t relate…

See, now while we both had a good ole laugh, we were most definitely not laughing at the same thing. You gotta pick your battles in marriage, and since I was feeling generous, I let him have that one. All bullshit aside, my husband is the best I could’ve ever asked or hoped for, but he is certainly far from the sharpest tool in the shed, speaking of which, he can’t even use tools for shit. Should’ve stuck with the brightest crayon in the box metaphor. Sorry baby, but I still love ya.

Without a Voice

I thought I’d spam you with a bunch of lyrics, poems, & miscellaneous writings since I’ve been MIA the last few months.

(Verse 1)

How could I ever understand?

Such an adolescent mind,

I couldn’t comprehend.

Left in the dark without a voice,

Not that I even had a choice,

Now I’m covered in remorse.

(Chorus)

You disregard the best of me,

Destroyed the image that I see.

But now I grieve for who I was,

Someone I could depend on.

My pain is not your platform,

And I won’t be your next disaster.

I’m afraid that you’re to blame

For making me turn out this way.

(Verse 2)

‘Cause it’s all your fault

And I’m done trying

To convince myself

That it was all really worth it.

I’ve been striving too hard

To be something I’m not

For someone who never

Even cared enough.

(Bridge)

How was I supposed to know?

And how was I supposed to know?

(Chorus)

You disregard the best of me,

Destroyed the image that I see.

But now I grieve for who I was,

Someone I could depend on.

My pain is not your platform,

And I won’t be your next disaster.

I’m afraid that you’re to blame

For making me turn out this way.

Polished, Yet Still Broken

My brain is bursting with ideas no one will ever hear, for I’m ashamed for them to know the way that I’ve been thinking. My goals, achieved, or given up, for I can’t seem to catch a break. I tried and tried, and worked and worked, all to be treated like an outdated book. I’m polished, you see, my mind in tact, but that’s not what others see when they see me out & about. People are mean and cruel and fail to understand the concept of empathy, try living in my head. It’s loud and dark and overcrowded, occasionally I’ll find a moment of silence, but it is always too short lived, my inner self screams to be more than just within.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/polish/

Dismay is Okay

I’ve been perfecting this song for quite some time now, hoping to record it soon.

(Verse 1)

Tell me where to go from here,

I’ve been trapped behind these walls

For all these years.

It’s getting harder now to figure out

Just where it all went wrong,

And I can’t help but think

That I was meant for something more.

(Chorus)

I don’t wanna be afraid

To take a chance, to make a change.

I don’t wanna go out this way,

I’m not the same with all this pain.

I don’t wanna live in dismay;

Don’t need more pain,

I’ve felt the flames.

I’ll survive again today,

Because despite my mistakes,

I have hope that

I’ll make it through the day.

(Verse 2)

Now what am I supposed to do,

Knowing everything I know,

Yet never what to feel?

It’s impossible for me to be

The best that I can be,

With all these dark clouds

Looming above, never leaving me.

(Chorus)

I don’t wanna be afraid

To take a chance, to make a change.

I don’t wanna go out this way,

I’m not the same with all this pain.

I don’t wanna live in dismay;

Don’t need more pain,

I’ve felt the flames.

I’ll survive again today,

Because despite my mistakes,

I have hope that

I’ll make it through the day.

(Bridge)

[There are thoughts inside my head

That I wish would disappear.

And there are things that I have seen

They’d make you glad that you’re not me.

So I appear as though I’m tough,

But love, I’ll never have enough.

But I’ll decide to think instead,

That I’ll be stronger in the end.]

(Chorus)

I don’t wanna be afraid

To take a chance, to make a change.

I don’t wanna go out this way,

I’m not the same with all this pain.

I don’t wanna live in dismay;

Don’t need more pain,

I’ve felt the flames.

I’ll survive again today,

Because despite my mistakes,

I have hope that

I’ll make it through the day.

I swear I’ll be okay.

Jaded & Tattered

How can I be a brand new me

When I’m still living the same life?

Ruled by reason, ruled by pain,

The torment never leaves me.

All I can do is try to sleep

Until I find eternal peace.

Yet I am guilty of so much more,

You’ve no idea the life I’ve endured.

I spent all my time searching for it,

Something that can fill the gap.

Whenever I think that I’ve found it,

I realize how far I’m off track.

But I can’t seem to find my place,

My reason for existing,

The thing that makes you think I’m worthy.

I’m always searching for my purpose,

Despite the ways the world has worked

To kick me while I’m down,

I must admit even though I’m weak,

There’s more in store and I shall endure.

Rhythmic

Tick tock goes the clock, my mind’s awake but my body won’t follow. I’m sick and depressed, it’s weighing me down, my shoulders drag heavy across the ground. I’m trying my best to just forget so that I can move on, but it seems I’ll never reach that point no matter how much time has passed so I’m forever lost and some suggest that it’s better this way, it’s for the best. My heart it plays a rhythmic beat, the sound I can’t remember, for its been so long since I’ve felt true love that every part of me is breaking. My bones they ache, through night and day, as I wallow in my lonely woes and yet I just can’t get a grip, I can’t forget what happened. The only rhythm left I’ve got is when I sing, but I don’t do it enough, for I torture myself, don’t do what I love, so I can forget what I’m good at and hit rock bottom.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/rhythmic/


Hideout

Alone and abandoned, and barely hanging on; surviving instead of living, no matter how hard I try to leave the past behind me, forget it happened at all, so that I can finally be free, so I can finally move on. My life has just begun yet it seems that I’ve lived many, I can’t believe how long it’s been since the events that truly shaped me. There’s things I’ve seen you won’t believe, and so I’ll never tell you, but hear me now, I beg of you, that doesn’t mean they never happened. I’m jaded and I’m terrified, my life in flames before my eyes, and now I’m just convinced that I’m unable to exist inside this works, inside this cage, I’m tired of feeling rage. So if you think that you know me then you’re a fool for assuming that you know anything about me, let alone who I’ve become because you haven’t been around, I’ve been alone for quite some while but I’m accustomed to it now. I’m certain, yes I’m sure, that I’ll forever be alone because I’m through with being used and I will not just be abused so I won’t let anyone in, inside my walls is where I’ll live until my days come to an end, so farewell, so long, my friends.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/hideout/

Glitter

Glitter, glitter, shiny and rare, reminding me to always be aware of all the beauty in the world, despite the fact that there is so much scorn. There’s wonder and glory all around, if you look hard enough it’ll surely be found. But times arise when you will find it’s harder for you to see the light, the tunnel appears dark, feels cold, but that’s the time for you to be bold. Don’t give away your sense of self, and don’t be changed by anyone else, for you are bright and shiny too, shimmering and good, and full of virtue. So don’t give up, please don’t give in, the world needs to know that there’s still truth in it, so be yourself above all else, and do what you can for everyone else.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/glitter/


Translate

Language is a barrier for those whom aren’t the same, from different places comes another dialect, another obstacle in the way. We must admit that we’ve been tricked for words are faulty and come out wrong, the one thing that’s international is our body language when something’s wrong. It’s obvious to anyone the pain in someone’s eyes when they’ve lost someone they love, or lost something they pride. The looks on the faces of homeless children conveys the anguish they exist with every day and the loneliness they feel is obvious for anyone to see. So now instead of allowing words to hold such power, let’s return to a time when we did more than just glance at one another, let’s study each other, faces and all so that we can empathize better than we would on our own. Notice someone’s pain, take someone’s away, but there’s no good reason to cause anyone any pain.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/translate/

Without a Sound

 

Without a sound, I see my breath, I see my heart beating through my chest. Without a reason, without recourse, I fall to my knees, filled with remorse. I’d beg for my life if it’d make a difference, but I’ve come to learn that there’s no surviving. I’ve tried and tried, and tried again, without a hand, without a friend. I’ve wasted all my time instead of making the most of it that I can. My life has crumbled all around, my wisdom tumbled to the ground, as though it never meant a thing, but to me it still meant everything. The pain I’ve endured has taught me so much, I never learned to cope but I learned that I must keep pushing forward until I’m dead, that way I’ll know I tried until the end.


https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/sound/

Aware

​I am aware of your abuse, and what it’s done to me, I’m aware that your rage and disappointments gets blamed on me. I’m aware that I’m the child you wanted, but you chose to keep me despite not wanting me, and I’ve suffered forever more. My brother whom I’ll never meet, cast aside as a baby, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering if I can find him. I’m aware that I’ve become a shell of who I’ve been, and that I’m no longer even sure that I know who I wanna be. Now I blame you for who I am, for clouding up my judgment, I don’t think I can fight anymore so please let me surrender.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/aware/

Birthday

Today I turn 26, practically on the cusp of 30 (kidding, but that’s how it feels), and I can hardly believe the time that’s passed, everything that’s gone on, where I am. Some things seem to feel vague now, almost as though they happened in another life. There are also things that will always seem recent, wounds that just won’t heal despite the time, things that seem like they just happened yesterday. I’ll say this though, I’m beyond thankful for my beautiful daughter and my hard working husband. They’re my entire world, and there are definitely worse things. Here’s to being another year older and hopefully I’ll be a little bit wiser. Cheers.

Lush

I make my way down to the bay, beside the river is where I’ll lay, alone for it’s the only way for me to make sense of this pain. I’m a glutton for punishment, a masochist as well, I crave attention for every aspect of myself. I’m sensitive, naive, and a little bit scared, but I refuse to hide the parts of me you can’t bare. I’m a lush for you, my darling, and you’d never even know, so here’s my last attempt to make it known. Some people are addicted to the fame, money, glory, and some of us can’t seem to find the thing that makes us shine. I wanna think I’m special, wanna believe it’s so, but it’s hard for me to buy it when I’m always so alone. I’ve suddenly become jaded by the way that others see me and I can’t help but force myself to think that it’s not my fault.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/lush/

Choose Your Adventure

Let’s say you’re living alone, single, well off, nothing too harrying looming over your head, and you’ve decided that you’re going to take a vacation by yourself. You’re not exactly the Eat, Pray, Love type, but you wouldn’t mind a quest of self preservation. If you would, allow me to turn this around and create for you all a short story with this prompt from my own perspective, as if I were the person I described at the beginning.

I’ve been having this longing feeling, this sudden urge to get away from it all, life, the bustle, the unsettling loneliness. At least if I took a vacation, maybe being alone wouldn’t seem so noticeable because I’ll be surrounded by beauty and wonder and new and exciting things; I’ll be somewhere new where no one will know me, and where I can be someone new, too.

After wracking my brain for weeks, scouring the internet for the perfect destination for my quest, I finally decided that maybe there isn’t a perfect place, maybe the place that needed to be perfect, was in fact my state of mind. If I was going to escape, that meant from myself, too. After all, that’s where the real stress of my life lies, in my own head. I’m my biggest critic and my worst enemy, I’m sure some of you can relate, but when it comes to me personally, it cuts way deeper than it should sometimes.

That’s been my biggest battle in life, the one struggle I’ve not been able to overcome, or to at least learn to live with. It seems no matter where I am, no matter whom I’m with, I’m always liable to fall victim to my own harsh words and thoughts, my own pathetic self-sabotage. It’s way past time for me to do this, for me to go somewhere so beautiful that it’s impossible for me to make myself miserable. I’m determined, it’s finally my time to shed my skin and overcome this heavy, ugly burden that I feel I’ve been carrying around my whole life.

And just like that, at that very moment, it hit me like a train, I didn’t need to go anywhere, everything I needed was right here available to me, right in front of my face, and I was just finally realizing it. What I needed a vacation was, was from the voice inside my head, from myself, from the judgment and hate that I’m ever constantly allowing to overpower and overwhelm me. Maybe it’s time for me to accept that this will always be a struggle for me, unless I take charge, unless I decide that it ends now, that I won’t continue to live my life like this. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do; this is my life, I know who I wanna be, and I think I finally know just how I need to proceed, with caution.

Heard

​Heard is a word I’ve never been, filled with bitterness, ripe with sin. I’ve never been able to fight your wars, so don’t come knocking on my door, just let me be forever more, not that you ever listen to me anyways. I’m beat up, torn up, can’t even pick the pieces up, and yet I’ve given all I am, worked harder than I had ever planned. So let us not be ruled by man, hear my voice and I’ll take your hand, I’ll lead you to another place where you won’t have to put on a happy face. I wanna live in harmony and bring the world joy in any way I possibly can, even at the risk of being scrutinized, I’ll keep my eyes locked on the prize.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/heard/

Right to Health

This is an issue I’ll argue for until I’m blue in the face, until all the breath has left my body, and it’s something that I’m beyond passionate about because it’s something I’ve personally suffered because of. Bernie Sanders is the true hero of this debate, the champion of my heart, he’s the first politician to put this at the head of his platform, universal healthcare, a right for all. When you’re a product of the system, a welfare baby, a kid who turns 18 in foster care, you get a more real experience of what it’s like to be poor, to have nothing, to have no one, but they do promise you healthcare, because they at least want you to feel taken care of in that most basic regard.

We’ve reached a point in this country where money rules everything, greed and selfishness controls us, it consumes us, especially the ones who already possess money. Instead of allocating tax breaks to the big businesses and being frivolous, we should find ways to spend more efficiently and to use it for what is truly what’s most important. What’s more important than promising that everyone will be cared for in a compassionate and humane way, that people won’t have to forgo the medical care they need to increase and enhance their quality of life. People deserve to be provided with healthcare, regardless of their race, class, gender, or not having parents that can provide for you.

Tremble

​I tremble at the sound of another in pain, I can’t stand to see it, wish I could intervene. I’ve always put everyone’s feelings able my own, sometimes I think it’s the only peace I know. If I can’t fix what’s inside me by doing it myself, I know I’ll find satisfaction from helping someone else. It’s my biggest strength, and my weakness alike, but my worried heart can’t ease their troubled minds. I’ve tried and tried over again to help someone see this isn’t the end, that it’ll get easier even if not better, it gets easier to cope with reality than to keep wishing for an unrealistic one. My goal is to help guide someone in need, some poor child who lacks structure like me, a kid whose parents don’t care enough to put their child’s feelings above their own, for this is a feeling I’ve always known and no one should have to face it alone.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/tremble/

Love Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

​How deep is your love, how true is your kiss? As we lay here in love, it feels like bliss. Can’t help but wonder how you chose to be with me forever more. But there are days which I’m overcome with fear, the fear that I’ll lose you, the fear that you’ll leave. Forgive me, dear, for not only have I sinned, but I’ve been in doubt, for I didn’t wanna believe it. Forgive and forget and never come around, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you now. You left, you’re gone, I’m all alone, can’t even recall the last embrace, the last time I felt my place. But now I have become complacent, abandoned, unable to recognize faces, and I wonder what is the real meaning of life, does it even matter, and will it be alright?

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/lovingly/

Creation Leads To Inspiration

Something I’m hell bent on teaching my daughter is the value or creating things. Useful or imaginative, it couldn’t matter less, just make something you’re proud of when your mind can’t seem to rest. From drawing to weaving rugs, to forming songs, and melting crayons on canvas, you name it, I love to do it. I’ve always enjoyed losing myself in the pursuit of something great or something beautiful, it makes me feel alive, reminds me I’m capable of great things, and allows me to focus on something constructive, something I have control over, instead of whatever has been clouding my head that day. Art is universal, language barriers play no part, no words are even needed at all. There’s nothing better than confining yourself to finish something, to complete a project or task, it’s a good mechanism, and it works your brain at the same damn time. Whether it’s a beautiful song or a colorful painting, let yourself create something, allow yourself to escape from reality, to forget about everything else, to give your mind a break from chaos. Nothing builds character better than activies in which you’re forced to challenge yourself, to push new boundaries, to try something new. Be the kind of person who enables others to be creative, and allow yourself to do the same.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/craft/

Helping Hands

As someone who spent half of their childhood in, and aged out of the foster care system, I’ve had varying opinions on foster parents, why they do what they do, how they arrived at the decision to do so, and what it truly means to them. I’ve seen them all, the good, the bad, and everything in between, and for a long while there, I honestly believed that most of these people were in it for the money. While surely there is some statistical number we must attribute to being guilty of that, but it’s not as though they’re going to come right out and admit it for the purposes of a poll.

Regardless of any reasoning though, if they’re actually caring for children in need, then I’m happy. There are countless children in our country without homes, without families, without anyone or anything in the world to call their own, and I wish regularly for more kind people to open up their homes and offer refuge to them. I recall when I was younger, when I was still stuck in the system, I never thought I’d wanna be a foster parent, but now I only wish that my husband and I were in the financial position to apply, and that we had enough free time together for classes so that we could help a few helpless children in the ways that I desperately needed when I was in their shoes.

Appreciating Now

Life has been really rough recently, not that that’s unusual for me, but it’s been so much harder for way too long now. I’ve finally reached my breaking point, rock bottom, and have admitted to myself what I’ve known all along: I can’t do all this alone anymore. My husband is my only friend and family besides my daughter, we’ve been best friends for years, but I’ve found myself desperately in need of female feedback. I’ve always had my girls, and we always understood each other, but I’ve reached a point where it’s damn near impossible for me to relate to or be understood by anyone. 

In the last few years, they’ve all fallen off except for one that I reconnected with last year, but she’s single and kid free and living her adult life with her own priorities and responsibilities. I’ve had my heart stomped on so many times now that I’m no longer certain that I’m able to let people in, I don’t think I could truly confide in someone, even if I wanted to. He’s been my only friend for so long that I’ve convinced myself he’s all I’m ever gonna have, and I fully believe it. There was worse things in the workd, but sometimes I need an ear or shoulder that isn’t attached to the person who already provided so much physically and financially.

Recently I’ve come to realize that if this is how things will always be, then I’d better figure out how to be perfectly happy with it, and the sooner the better. Now that’s easier said than done, obviously, but there’s something to be said for how hard it is to force yourself to become complacent enough to let go of your dreams without any visible signs of misery surrounding you. This is especially harder for me now, as a parent, the mother of a daughter, because as much as I want her to pursue her dreams and goals with all her might, I also want her to be aware how cruel people are, how sometimes no matter how hard you try, things still just never seem to go your way.

How do I teach her better coping skills than I have myself if I can’t practice what I preach? How do I expect her to hold herself to a level of standards that I myself have failed to attain in my own life? How do I do all of this without her ending up jaded, and how do I stop worrying so that I can enjoy her childhood now, so that we can make as many memories as possible while there’s still time? These are the thoughts and worries and concerns that keep me up at night, that leave me feeling crippled, physically and emotionally, that make me believe I’m already failing her, but if I don’t overcome these thoughts, then so I am failing her.

As much as I wish I had a massive family to surround her and myself with when I’m struggling or when she needs extra help or attention, I have to accept the fact that it will just never be so, it’s never gonna happen, and I’ve got all the family I’m likely ever gonna have in my life right now already. I’ve gotta appreciate now, her still being a toddler, her learning every day, and despite how hard it may seem some days, I’ve gotta know that she’s gonna have better days than I’ve ever had, than I’ve ever imagined. I need to know that she’s gonna be alright, but the best thing I can do is prepare her for being alone in a way that always prepares her to take care of herself.

Creative Writing Prompt #1

Her coffee cup slipped right out of her hand, it smashed into a thousand pieces on the kitchen floor, and as it shattered, the sound echoed through the room. It broke all silence in the house and in her mind, leaving her feeling shaken, disrupted, but finally she musters the courage to tiptoe around. Once she returns with a broom and dust pan, she notices something unusual on the ceramic; it was sticky and clear and smelled quite strange, but she couldn’t determine its origins. It appeared as though it was planted there, but she couldn’t imagine who’d put it there, or why they’d want her to drop her mug, why it made sense, or who would care. She couldn’t help think that it seemed awful silly, she lived alone and no one else had a key. There was no sign of a break in, no sign of evidence, no noticeable tampering near the cabinets.

Recognize

​You’d never recognize me now without knowing me then, I’m not the same girl I was, I’ve grown older and yet I struggle as a woman, this transition has me stuck. It’s almost as though I’ve run out of luck, although I’ve always known that I’ve never had too much. My luck was not enough to push things in my favor, so I’ve recognized that the luck I thought I had, I had actually created for myself. I’ve done the work, put in the time, I’ve worked so hard for everything that’s mine, so it’s time for you to recognize that I deserve the best from life. No matter what new pain and strife may come my way, I will not falter or be afraid, stumble or run away, because I am not the same.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/recognize/

My Top 15 Fave YA Authors

Reading was always a huge coping mechanism for me, less so over the past few years, but I’m working on getting back there. Here are some of my favorite authors and my favorite works by them.

  1. Laurie Halse Anderson – Speak, Catalyst, Twisted, Winter Girls, The Impossible Knife of Memory
  2. John Green – Looking For Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines, The Fault In Our Stars, Paper Towns
  3. David Levithan – Boy Meets Boy, The Realm of Possibility, You Know Me Well
  4. Chris Crutcher – Deadline, Staying Fat For Sarah Byrnes
  5. Ron Koertge – Strays, Boy Girl Boy, Margaux with an X, Stoner & Spaz
  6. Gail Giles – Playing in Traffic, Dead Girls Don’t Write Letters, Shattering Glass, Right Behind You
  7. Laura Wiess – Leftovers, Such A Pretty Girl
  8. Kevin Brooks – Martyn Pig, Lucas, Kissing In The Rain, Naked, Candy
  9. J. K. Rowling – Harry Potter Series
  10. Han Nolan – Dancing on the Edge, Born Blue
  11. Alex Flinn – Fade to Black, Breaking Point, Breathing Underwater
  12. Pete Hautman – Invisible, Godless
  13. Gayle Forman – If I Stay, Where She Went
  14. James Frey – My Friend Leonard, A Million Little Pieces
  15. Jay Asher – Thirteen Reasons Why

Overwhelming

Overwhelmed is a feeling that I have always known, the true depths of which still remain unknown. Time and time again I’ve tried so hard to fight it off, but like a thorn stuck in your side, the pain won’t won’t be so easily succumbed. Sometimes it seems the feeling’s eased, but for only a short while, and afterwards I’ve come to see they were still fueling me. It won’t subside, no matter how hard I try, and with no one by my side, who will notice if I die? It’s not something I want, but it’s something we all get, you can only fight death for so long, it’ll eventually come to beckon. And until then I’ll do my best to try and overcome it.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/overwhelming/

Tick Tock

When love is all that’s left to lose, there’s not a choice, no time to lose. It’s time to look way past yourself, look into the eyes of someone else. Hold them close, the ones you love, make sure they know they’re number one. Don’t be rash, don’t be hasty, show them, find your motivation to be the best to them and then you’ll find yourself being the best version of yourself. If you can’t confide in anyone else, at least maintain to be true to yourself.

Resist

​It’s almost impossible to resist the thoughts floating around inside my head. There’s nights I wish I could embrace the bliss, forget the ignorance it once fed. I just can’t seem to fight the dreams that haunt me in my sleep, can’t comprehend the message they send or why it pertains to me, can’t figure out how they got in my head, or why they won’t let me be. I’ve come to know that some things grow inside you without showing, anger and grief can fill your soul, without you ever knowing.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/resist/

Burnt

The scent of ash and soot as the world around you burns, your home has caught on fire, it’s destroying your life’s work. If life is what the world believes determines what you’re worth, then you’ll believe that material things are more important than your morals. I’ve come to see and now believe that things don’t count for anything, and while money buys you everything, it doesn’t change the way you you think when you’re alone, when thoughts flood your head. So don’t spare a moment, don’t hold a thought, tell everyone you love that you can’t get enough, and promise to be true to yourself and hold that above everything else.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/scent/

Replacement

​I’ve never known the feeling of being number one, always second guessing the second chances I thought I’d earned. Left abandoned in the dark of night, down a steep and scary incline, forever lonely whether I’m alone or surrounded by a group. It’s rare today for me to be with others, through anything, this loneliness is the only constant that I have known. I’ll never understand the way that other people think, I’m never first for anything, and I have a hard time believing that I’m even a thought in someone else’s mind. I think about it all the time, how I’ll never a friend by my side. I keep writing the same old things, to different rhythms, different beats, but it’s because I’m out of luck, I’m out of time, can’t take no more.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/replacement/

Burning Down The House

What would I save if I had the time to think about what I’d want to survive a fire, my daughter, her food, her favorite toys, all the keepsakes from when she was born. It took for me to see this prompt to realize what’s important enough to risk my life to save for her, to show her when she’s a bit older. I wouldn’t save the concert tickets that were once my life, the pictures I have of us playing live, despite thinking that’s who I am, I know now it’s just who I was. I’m constantly struggling with identity, my life is much harder than I thought it’d be, I have far less friends that I never see than I thought I was when I was a girl, I always thought they’d stand by me. I’m a mother and a lover and nothing more, so as long as she’s safe then I couldn’t ask for more.

Through The Window

​Through a telescope I view the world, withdrawn and alone, desperate to observe the way humans interact with one another, love each other, try not to judge one another. It shows me the way life is for the other side, the fortunate ones with families and friends, people they know will be there till the end. I’ve studied sociology and psychology to help me comprehend why I’d never be like anyone else, but with a better understanding of the world, I’ve become jaded, impossible for me not to feel isolated. There’s no consolation prize at the end of this ride, either you’ll make it out alive or disappear into the night. I’ve grown so weak and weary, there’s no pep left in my step, and all that I’ve got left are reminders of a life I’ll never have. If the grass was greener over there, I’d never know, because from where I’ve been standing my whole life, grass won’t even grow. You’ve salted the earth surrounding me, poisoned me in my sleep, forcing me to be so obsessed that I see you in my dreams. So take your serpent tongue, your careless lies, and leave me be so that I can try to figure out where I belong for the rest of eternity.

Yellow

Bruises on friendly faces, children forced into awful situations, water running yellow and poisoned, out voices unheard, our position averted. There’s a crisis ongoing, it has been for years, but most of us live unaware of the fears that we should be focusing on, not the ones we are, but our minds can’t help but wander to small problems. It’s hard enough to diagnose what caused all this hate, how rich people can kick the homeless while they’re down. Another day, another dollar, another holocaust coming our way. Except this time it’s happening in the “greatest nation around”, and no one can seem to explain to me why our president is came to power when he’s basically Hitler reincarnated. The ignorance that was once bliss has turned dark and cold, we’ve turned against one another once again, every man for themselves.

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/yellow/