My Teenage Angst Still Reigns

I’m gonna be 26 in two weeks and yet there’s still this insecure, young, naive feeling inside of me that I can’t seem to shake. As much of an adult as I’ve always been, I skipped the period hetween childhood and adulthood, adolescence. For a very short period was I able to operate as a normal teenager, although being subjective, I don’t know if I’ve ever been normal at all. I still feel exactly as I did 10 years ago, it’s like I’m 16 and never left, like I never figured out what came next. It’s not that I came upon this realization suddenly, it’s that I finally realize how detrimental it’s been to me, my life, my family. I never had a real role model, so I turned to television, books, movies, etc. I sought out an escape, a ray of hope, a light in the tunnel, someone to look up to, someone that deserved it. I still haven’t found that person, so I know I have to be her, because the closest thing I’ve got, is my daughter. She’s the light of my life, but she needs me to be more. She needs me to be the person I never had, the person I’m still searching for, even if I have to figure it out as I go. I’ve gotta find a way to get through this, to be who she needs, to make sure she never suffers at my hand, that I don’t hold her back, that I find enough hope to encourage her to follow her dreams, despite learning the hard way that life usually has a way of stopping you from getting what you want. I’m trying so hard, but I’m starting to question if I’m ever gonna be able to access that person.

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