Monthly Archives: February 2017


Tick tock goes the clock, my mind’s awake but my body won’t follow. I’m sick and depressed, it’s weighing me down, my shoulders drag heavy across the ground. I’m trying my best to just forget so that I can move on, but it seems I’ll never reach that point no matter how much time has passed so I’m forever lost and some suggest that it’s better this way, it’s for the best. My heart it plays a rhythmic beat, the sound I can’t remember, for its been so long since I’ve felt true love that every part of me is breaking. My bones they ache, through night and day, as I wallow in my lonely woes and yet I just can’t get a grip, I can’t forget what happened. The only rhythm left I’ve got is when I sing, but I don’t do it enough, for I torture myself, don’t do what I love, so I can forget what I’m good at and hit rock bottom.


Alone and abandoned, and barely hanging on; surviving instead of living, no matter how hard I try to leave the past behind me, forget it happened at all, so that I can finally be free, so I can finally move on. My life has just begun yet it seems that I’ve lived many, I can’t believe how long it’s been since the events that truly shaped me. There’s things I’ve seen you won’t believe, and so I’ll never tell you, but hear me now, I beg of you, that doesn’t mean they never happened. I’m jaded and I’m terrified, my life in flames before my eyes, and now I’m just convinced that I’m unable to exist inside this works, inside this cage, I’m tired of feeling rage. So if you think that you know me then you’re a fool for assuming that you know anything about me, let alone who I’ve become because you haven’t been around, I’ve been alone for quite some while but I’m accustomed to it now. I’m certain, yes I’m sure, that I’ll forever be alone because I’m through with being used and I will not just be abused so I won’t let anyone in, inside my walls is where I’ll live until my days come to an end, so farewell, so long, my friends.


Glitter, glitter, shiny and rare, reminding me to always be aware of all the beauty in the world, despite the fact that there is so much scorn. There’s wonder and glory all around, if you look hard enough it’ll surely be found. But times arise when you will find it’s harder for you to see the light, the tunnel appears dark, feels cold, but that’s the time for you to be bold. Don’t give away your sense of self, and don’t be changed by anyone else, for you are bright and shiny too, shimmering and good, and full of virtue. So don’t give up, please don’t give in, the world needs to know that there’s still truth in it, so be yourself above all else, and do what you can for everyone else.


Language is a barrier for those whom aren’t the same, from different places comes another dialect, another obstacle in the way. We must admit that we’ve been tricked for words are faulty and come out wrong, the one thing that’s international is our body language when something’s wrong. It’s obvious to anyone the pain in someone’s eyes when they’ve lost someone they love, or lost something they pride. The looks on the faces of homeless children conveys the anguish they exist with every day and the loneliness they feel is obvious for anyone to see. So now instead of allowing words to hold such power, let’s return to a time when we did more than just glance at one another, let’s study each other, faces and all so that we can empathize better than we would on our own. Notice someone’s pain, take someone’s away, but there’s no good reason to cause anyone any pain.

Without a Sound


Without a sound, I see my breath, I see my heart beating through my chest. Without a reason, without recourse, I fall to my knees, filled with remorse. I’d beg for my life if it’d make a difference, but I’ve come to learn that there’s no surviving. I’ve tried and tried, and tried again, without a hand, without a friend. I’ve wasted all my time instead of making the most of it that I can. My life has crumbled all around, my wisdom tumbled to the ground, as though it never meant a thing, but to me it still meant everything. The pain I’ve endured has taught me so much, I never learned to cope but I learned that I must keep pushing forward until I’m dead, that way I’ll know I tried until the end.


I am aware of your abuse, and what it’s done to me, I’m aware that your rage and disappointments gets blamed on me. I’m aware that I’m the child you wanted, but you chose to keep me despite not wanting me, and I’ve suffered forever more. My brother whom I’ll never meet, cast aside as a baby, I’ll spend the rest of my life wondering if I can find him. I’m aware that I’ve become a shell of who I’ve been, and that I’m no longer even sure that I know who I wanna be. Now I blame you for who I am, for clouding up my judgment, I don’t think I can fight anymore so please let me surrender.


Today I turn 26, practically on the cusp of 30 (kidding, but that’s how it feels), and I can hardly believe the time that’s passed, everything that’s gone on, where I am. Some things seem to feel vague now, almost as though they happened in another life. There are also things that will always seem recent, wounds that just won’t heal despite the time, things that seem like they just happened yesterday. I’ll say this though, I’m beyond thankful for my beautiful daughter and my hard working husband. They’re my entire world, and there are definitely worse things. Here’s to being another year older and hopefully I’ll be a little bit wiser. Cheers.


I make my way down to the bay, beside the river is where I’ll lay, alone for it’s the only way for me to make sense of this pain. I’m a glutton for punishment, a masochist as well, I crave attention for every aspect of myself. I’m sensitive, naive, and a little bit scared, but I refuse to hide the parts of me you can’t bare. I’m a lush for you, my darling, and you’d never even know, so here’s my last attempt to make it known. Some people are addicted to the fame, money, glory, and some of us can’t seem to find the thing that makes us shine. I wanna think I’m special, wanna believe it’s so, but it’s hard for me to buy it when I’m always so alone. I’ve suddenly become jaded by the way that others see me and I can’t help but force myself to think that it’s not my fault.

Choose Your Adventure

Let’s say you’re living alone, single, well off, nothing too harrying looming over your head, and you’ve decided that you’re going to take a vacation by yourself. You’re not exactly the Eat, Pray, Love type, but you wouldn’t mind a quest of self preservation. If you would, allow me to turn this around and create for you all a short story with this prompt from my own perspective, as if I were the person I described at the beginning.

I’ve been having this longing feeling, this sudden urge to get away from it all, life, the bustle, the unsettling loneliness. At least if I took a vacation, maybe being alone wouldn’t seem so noticeable because I’ll be surrounded by beauty and wonder and new and exciting things; I’ll be somewhere new where no one will know me, and where I can be someone new, too.

After wracking my brain for weeks, scouring the internet for the perfect destination for my quest, I finally decided that maybe there isn’t a perfect place, maybe the place that needed to be perfect, was in fact my state of mind. If I was going to escape, that meant from myself, too. After all, that’s where the real stress of my life lies, in my own head. I’m my biggest critic and my worst enemy, I’m sure some of you can relate, but when it comes to me personally, it cuts way deeper than it should sometimes.

That’s been my biggest battle in life, the one struggle I’ve not been able to overcome, or to at least learn to live with. It seems no matter where I am, no matter whom I’m with, I’m always liable to fall victim to my own harsh words and thoughts, my own pathetic self-sabotage. It’s way past time for me to do this, for me to go somewhere so beautiful that it’s impossible for me to make myself miserable. I’m determined, it’s finally my time to shed my skin and overcome this heavy, ugly burden that I feel I’ve been carrying around my whole life.

And just like that, at that very moment, it hit me like a train, I didn’t need to go anywhere, everything I needed was right here available to me, right in front of my face, and I was just finally realizing it. What I needed a vacation was, was from the voice inside my head, from myself, from the judgment and hate that I’m ever constantly allowing to overpower and overwhelm me. Maybe it’s time for me to accept that this will always be a struggle for me, unless I take charge, unless I decide that it ends now, that I won’t continue to live my life like this. And that’s exactly what I’m gonna do; this is my life, I know who I wanna be, and I think I finally know just how I need to proceed, with caution.


Heard is a word I’ve never been, filled with bitterness, ripe with sin. I’ve never been able to fight your wars, so don’t come knocking on my door, just let me be forever more, not that you ever listen to me anyways. I’m beat up, torn up, can’t even pick the pieces up, and yet I’ve given all I am, worked harder than I had ever planned. So let us not be ruled by man, hear my voice and I’ll take your hand, I’ll lead you to another place where you won’t have to put on a happy face. I wanna live in harmony and bring the world joy in any way I possibly can, even at the risk of being scrutinized, I’ll keep my eyes locked on the prize.

Right to Health

This is an issue I’ll argue for until I’m blue in the face, until all the breath has left my body, and it’s something that I’m beyond passionate about because it’s something I’ve personally suffered because of. Bernie Sanders is the true hero of this debate, the champion of my heart, he’s the first politician to put this at the head of his platform, universal healthcare, a right for all. When you’re a product of the system, a welfare baby, a kid who turns 18 in foster care, you get a more real experience of what it’s like to be poor, to have nothing, to have no one, but they do promise you healthcare, because they at least want you to feel taken care of in that most basic regard.

We’ve reached a point in this country where money rules everything, greed and selfishness controls us, it consumes us, especially the ones who already possess money. Instead of allocating tax breaks to the big businesses and being frivolous, we should find ways to spend more efficiently and to use it for what is truly what’s most important. What’s more important than promising that everyone will be cared for in a compassionate and humane way, that people won’t have to forgo the medical care they need to increase and enhance their quality of life. People deserve to be provided with healthcare, regardless of their race, class, gender, or not having parents that can provide for you.


I tremble at the sound of another in pain, I can’t stand to see it, wish I could intervene. I’ve always put everyone’s feelings able my own, sometimes I think it’s the only peace I know. If I can’t fix what’s inside me by doing it myself, I know I’ll find satisfaction from helping someone else. It’s my biggest strength, and my weakness alike, but my worried heart can’t ease their troubled minds. I’ve tried and tried over again to help someone see this isn’t the end, that it’ll get easier even if not better, it gets easier to cope with reality than to keep wishing for an unrealistic one. My goal is to help guide someone in need, some poor child who lacks structure like me, a kid whose parents don’t care enough to put their child’s feelings above their own, for this is a feeling I’ve always known and no one should have to face it alone.

Love Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

How deep is your love, how true is your kiss? As we lay here in love, it feels like bliss. Can’t help but wonder how you chose to be with me forever more. But there are days which I’m overcome with fear, the fear that I’ll lose you, the fear that you’ll leave. Forgive me, dear, for not only have I sinned, but I’ve been in doubt, for I didn’t wanna believe it. Forgive and forget and never come around, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you now. You left, you’re gone, I’m all alone, can’t even recall the last embrace, the last time I felt my place. But now I have become complacent, abandoned, unable to recognize faces, and I wonder what is the real meaning of life, does it even matter, and will it be alright?

Creation Leads To Inspiration

Something I’m hell bent on teaching my daughter is the value or creating things. Useful or imaginative, it couldn’t matter less, just make something you’re proud of when your mind can’t seem to rest. From drawing to weaving rugs, to forming songs, and melting crayons on canvas, you name it, I love to do it. I’ve always enjoyed losing myself in the pursuit of something great or something beautiful, it makes me feel alive, reminds me I’m capable of great things, and allows me to focus on something constructive, something I have control over, instead of whatever has been clouding my head that day. Art is universal, language barriers play no part, no words are even needed at all. There’s nothing better than confining yourself to finish something, to complete a project or task, it’s a good mechanism, and it works your brain at the same damn time. Whether it’s a beautiful song or a colorful painting, let yourself create something, allow yourself to escape from reality, to forget about everything else, to give your mind a break from chaos. Nothing builds character better than activies in which you’re forced to challenge yourself, to push new boundaries, to try something new. Be the kind of person who enables others to be creative, and allow yourself to do the same.

Helping Hands

As someone who spent half of their childhood in, and aged out of the foster care system, I’ve had varying opinions on foster parents, why they do what they do, how they arrived at the decision to do so, and what it truly means to them. I’ve seen them all, the good, the bad, and everything in between, and for a long while there, I honestly believed that most of these people were in it for the money. While surely there is some statistical number we must attribute to being guilty of that, but it’s not as though they’re going to come right out and admit it for the purposes of a poll.

Regardless of any reasoning though, if they’re actually caring for children in need, then I’m happy. There are countless children in our country without homes, without families, without anyone or anything in the world to call their own, and I wish regularly for more kind people to open up their homes and offer refuge to them. I recall when I was younger, when I was still stuck in the system, I never thought I’d wanna be a foster parent, but now I only wish that my husband and I were in the financial position to apply, and that we had enough free time together for classes so that we could help a few helpless children in the ways that I desperately needed when I was in their shoes.

Appreciating Now

Life has been really rough recently, not that that’s unusual for me, but it’s been so much harder for way too long now. I’ve finally reached my breaking point, rock bottom, and have admitted to myself what I’ve known all along: I can’t do all this alone anymore. My husband is my only friend and family besides my daughter, we’ve been best friends for years, but I’ve found myself desperately in need of female feedback. I’ve always had my girls, and we always understood each other, but I’ve reached a point where it’s damn near impossible for me to relate to or be understood by anyone. 

In the last few years, they’ve all fallen off except for one that I reconnected with last year, but she’s single and kid free and living her adult life with her own priorities and responsibilities. I’ve had my heart stomped on so many times now that I’m no longer certain that I’m able to let people in, I don’t think I could truly confide in someone, even if I wanted to. He’s been my only friend for so long that I’ve convinced myself he’s all I’m ever gonna have, and I fully believe it. There was worse things in the workd, but sometimes I need an ear or shoulder that isn’t attached to the person who already provided so much physically and financially.

Recently I’ve come to realize that if this is how things will always be, then I’d better figure out how to be perfectly happy with it, and the sooner the better. Now that’s easier said than done, obviously, but there’s something to be said for how hard it is to force yourself to become complacent enough to let go of your dreams without any visible signs of misery surrounding you. This is especially harder for me now, as a parent, the mother of a daughter, because as much as I want her to pursue her dreams and goals with all her might, I also want her to be aware how cruel people are, how sometimes no matter how hard you try, things still just never seem to go your way.

How do I teach her better coping skills than I have myself if I can’t practice what I preach? How do I expect her to hold herself to a level of standards that I myself have failed to attain in my own life? How do I do all of this without her ending up jaded, and how do I stop worrying so that I can enjoy her childhood now, so that we can make as many memories as possible while there’s still time? These are the thoughts and worries and concerns that keep me up at night, that leave me feeling crippled, physically and emotionally, that make me believe I’m already failing her, but if I don’t overcome these thoughts, then so I am failing her.

As much as I wish I had a massive family to surround her and myself with when I’m struggling or when she needs extra help or attention, I have to accept the fact that it will just never be so, it’s never gonna happen, and I’ve got all the family I’m likely ever gonna have in my life right now already. I’ve gotta appreciate now, her still being a toddler, her learning every day, and despite how hard it may seem some days, I’ve gotta know that she’s gonna have better days than I’ve ever had, than I’ve ever imagined. I need to know that she’s gonna be alright, but the best thing I can do is prepare her for being alone in a way that always prepares her to take care of herself.

Creative Writing Prompt #1

Her coffee cup slipped right out of her hand, it smashed into a thousand pieces on the kitchen floor, and as it shattered, the sound echoed through the room. It broke all silence in the house and in her mind, leaving her feeling shaken, disrupted, but finally she musters the courage to tiptoe around. Once she returns with a broom and dust pan, she notices something unusual on the ceramic; it was sticky and clear and smelled quite strange, but she couldn’t determine its origins. It appeared as though it was planted there, but she couldn’t imagine who’d put it there, or why they’d want her to drop her mug, why it made sense, or who would care. She couldn’t help think that it seemed awful silly, she lived alone and no one else had a key. There was no sign of a break in, no sign of evidence, no noticeable tampering near the cabinets.


You’d never recognize me now without knowing me then, I’m not the same girl I was, I’ve grown older and yet I struggle as a woman, this transition has me stuck. It’s almost as though I’ve run out of luck, although I’ve always known that I’ve never had too much. My luck was not enough to push things in my favor, so I’ve recognized that the luck I thought I had, I had actually created for myself. I’ve done the work, put in the time, I’ve worked so hard for everything that’s mine, so it’s time for you to recognize that I deserve the best from life. No matter what new pain and strife may come my way, I will not falter or be afraid, stumble or run away, because I am not the same.

My Top 15 Fave YA Authors

Reading was always a huge coping mechanism for me, less so over the past few years, but I’m working on getting back there. Here are some of my favorite authors and my favorite works by them.

  1. Laurie Halse Anderson – Speak, Catalyst, Twisted, Winter Girls, The Impossible Knife of Memory
  2. John Green – Looking For Alaska, An Abundance of Katherines, The Fault In Our Stars, Paper Towns
  3. David Levithan – Boy Meets Boy, The Realm of Possibility, You Know Me Well
  4. Chris Crutcher – Deadline, Staying Fat For Sarah Byrnes
  5. Ron Koertge – Strays, Boy Girl Boy, Margaux with an X, Stoner & Spaz
  6. Gail Giles – Playing in Traffic, Dead Girls Don’t Write Letters, Shattering Glass, Right Behind You
  7. Laura Wiess – Leftovers, Such A Pretty Girl
  8. Kevin Brooks – Martyn Pig, Lucas, Kissing In The Rain, Naked, Candy
  9. J. K. Rowling – Harry Potter Series
  10. Han Nolan – Dancing on the Edge, Born Blue
  11. Alex Flinn – Fade to Black, Breaking Point, Breathing Underwater
  12. Pete Hautman – Invisible, Godless
  13. Gayle Forman – If I Stay, Where She Went
  14. James Frey – My Friend Leonard, A Million Little Pieces
  15. Jay Asher – Thirteen Reasons Why


Overwhelmed is a feeling that I have always known, the true depths of which still remain unknown. Time and time again I’ve tried so hard to fight it off, but like a thorn stuck in your side, the pain won’t won’t be so easily succumbed. Sometimes it seems the feeling’s eased, but for only a short while, and afterwards I’ve come to see they were still fueling me. It won’t subside, no matter how hard I try, and with no one by my side, who will notice if I die? It’s not something I want, but it’s something we all get, you can only fight death for so long, it’ll eventually come to beckon. And until then I’ll do my best to try and overcome it.

Tick Tock

When love is all that’s left to lose, there’s not a choice, no time to lose. It’s time to look way past yourself, look into the eyes of someone else. Hold them close, the ones you love, make sure they know they’re number one. Don’t be rash, don’t be hasty, show them, find your motivation to be the best to them and then you’ll find yourself being the best version of yourself. If you can’t confide in anyone else, at least maintain to be true to yourself.


It’s almost impossible to resist the thoughts floating around inside my head. There’s nights I wish I could embrace the bliss, forget the ignorance it once fed. I just can’t seem to fight the dreams that haunt me in my sleep, can’t comprehend the message they send or why it pertains to me, can’t figure out how they got in my head, or why they won’t let me be. I’ve come to know that some things grow inside you without showing, anger and grief can fill your soul, without you ever knowing.