Life has been really rough recently, not that that’s unusual for me, but it’s been so much harder for way too long now. I’ve finally reached my breaking point, rock bottom, and have admitted to myself what I’ve known all along: I can’t do all this alone anymore. My husband is my only friend and family besides my daughter, we’ve been best friends for years, but I’ve found myself desperately in need of female feedback. I’ve always had my girls, and we always understood each other, but I’ve reached a point where it’s damn near impossible for me to relate to or be understood by anyone.
In the last few years, they’ve all fallen off except for one that I reconnected with last year, but she’s single and kid free and living her adult life with her own priorities and responsibilities. I’ve had my heart stomped on so many times now that I’m no longer certain that I’m able to let people in, I don’t think I could truly confide in someone, even if I wanted to. He’s been my only friend for so long that I’ve convinced myself he’s all I’m ever gonna have, and I fully believe it. There was worse things in the workd, but sometimes I need an ear or shoulder that isn’t attached to the person who already provided so much physically and financially.
Recently I’ve come to realize that if this is how things will always be, then I’d better figure out how to be perfectly happy with it, and the sooner the better. Now that’s easier said than done, obviously, but there’s something to be said for how hard it is to force yourself to become complacent enough to let go of your dreams without any visible signs of misery surrounding you. This is especially harder for me now, as a parent, the mother of a daughter, because as much as I want her to pursue her dreams and goals with all her might, I also want her to be aware how cruel people are, how sometimes no matter how hard you try, things still just never seem to go your way.
How do I teach her better coping skills than I have myself if I can’t practice what I preach? How do I expect her to hold herself to a level of standards that I myself have failed to attain in my own life? How do I do all of this without her ending up jaded, and how do I stop worrying so that I can enjoy her childhood now, so that we can make as many memories as possible while there’s still time? These are the thoughts and worries and concerns that keep me up at night, that leave me feeling crippled, physically and emotionally, that make me believe I’m already failing her, but if I don’t overcome these thoughts, then so I am failing her.
As much as I wish I had a massive family to surround her and myself with when I’m struggling or when she needs extra help or attention, I have to accept the fact that it will just never be so, it’s never gonna happen, and I’ve got all the family I’m likely ever gonna have in my life right now already. I’ve gotta appreciate now, her still being a toddler, her learning every day, and despite how hard it may seem some days, I’ve gotta know that she’s gonna have better days than I’ve ever had, than I’ve ever imagined. I need to know that she’s gonna be alright, but the best thing I can do is prepare her for being alone in a way that always prepares her to take care of herself.