Monthly Archives: October 2017

Ghoulish Schemes

On this night of wickedness

Comes merriment and wonderment,

For people tell their children so.

Stories filled with fright and fun

Are told ’round a campfire,

One by one.

So one by one they build upon

The lies which ancestors spun.

Weaved carefully and carelessly

All at the same time.

But lies are never more than that,

The truth has always won.

For on this cherished night of fall

Evil companions scour the walls.

Ghoulish schemes are hatched

And planned by creatures

We have never seen

Outside of dreams.

So hold you children close tonight,

And check their treats for tricks.

For on this night we should be scared

Of the monsters we say don’t exist.



Inside My Workout Binder

Exercise was never part of my life, if I’m being totally honest. It wasn’t until I found out about some of my physical conditions and I started going to physical therapy that I learned the importance of it. Being a mom now, I wanna make sure my daughter sees me working on my body so that she can grow up knowing how important it really is.

Top 10 Fall Marshmallow Fluff Recipes


Never Enough

I try my best to be thankful for the little things I have, but it’s difficult when there’s always something new to bring us down. Money makes the world go round, so they say, I wouldn’t know. But I do know that needing more is stealing my joy and hope. My daughter loves me so, we’re as close as close can be, but because of her own issues, sometimes that’s hard for her to see. Our home is an apartment filled with neighbors who have tried to do everything in their power to get us kicked to the curb.

My husband is my best friend, and for years my only friend. We’ve been to hell and back together, an extremely difficult path. At first it began with us chasing our dreams, and oh did we get close. But now our lives consist of trying to figure out how to support us. We haven’t been alone in well over a year, I’ve never had a babysitter, and our daughter won’t tolerate being alone with strangers. I wish and try to find a way for us to live our lives to the most, instead we spend our days scared that we may not survive.

But having them alone should simply be enough for me, and gratitude is a feeling that is quite unknown to me. I’ve spent most of my life focusing on how to stay alive, I’m not quite sure I can figure out how to live a life instead. I’m trying to be better, to improve for my little girl, working out, eating better, never smoking in front of her. And yet them bigger issues in myself elude me so, I need some help to find myself before I get too old.


What I’d Prefer…

Let’s talk about the life I’d rather lead, one where my family is happy and healthy. A life where I’m free from constant pain, where every single day doesn’t seem like a drain. A modicum of truth that we all must accept is that the only certainty to life is that it ends with our deaths. It’s morbid, most say, to think and live this way, but I think of it as simply being a realist.

I haven’t always been this jaded, it’s a result of decades of feeling unappreciated. I put so many others before myself, I forgot that I’m supposed to take care of myself. That’s one of the hardest things to do when there isn’t anything that can help fix you. The pain I feel now will only get worse, to the point where one day I’m unable to move. It’s sad for me to now admit that I’d rather die before that day hits.

A ray of sunshine used to shine light onto everything that’s ever been dark in my life, but I find myself lately trying to avoid it, afraid for anyone to see who I’ve turned into. I can’t help myself but feel ashamed that I’ve let the world make me this way, this isn’t who I wanna be, and I’m trying my best to get back to being me.


Surrealism in Reality

Ever have something completely terrible happen to you? I’m talking the kinda shit that makes you wanna cease to exist, the stuff that makes you wish you were never born? I find those things happening to me more and more as life goes on, yet I’m still so taken aback, so surprised and overwhelmed, and I never know quite how to respond.

In these moments, I find myself feeling a sense of surrealism, wondering if it’s really my life, if it’s a nightmare, or if it’s even real at all. But it’s very much reality, life can be torturous and unfortunate and completely and totally unfair, but we must continue on our journey for those we love, for those who love us.

We can’t just give up every time life throws us a curveball, but we can cut ourselves some slack and allow ourselves a break to readjust and let the dust settle before we jump back in. We’ve been reprogrammed to believe and think and feel that crying means weakness, but in my humble opinion, it’s the exact opposite really.

If we deny ourselves the one thing our bodies are programmed to do when something awful happens, how can we truly heal our wounds? If we don’t let ourselves fall down, how will we ever learn to get back up again? And furthermore, what example is that setting for our children, the future generation that we’re raising?


Preserve the Arts in Schools

Fine arts programs and coursework has been steadily disappearing for too many consecutive years now. In poor and struggling communities, arts are the first thing to get thrown out of schools, but from my own personal experiences, those are often the students who can most benefit from music and arts.

As someone who grew up constantly changing homes, foster homes, family members, friends, there was only ever one constant in my life. No matter where I lived, I had to go to school, and fortunately for me, every school I attended had a choir. Music was my life because it brought me stability, it made me feel understood, and from I became better equipped to express myself emotionally.

The thought that there are children struggling through life who are now being deprived of and having taken from them potentially the only thing that can help them cope or deal, absolutely fucking kills me inside. Get out and vote to keep your local public arts education programs fully funded and intact, our youth will thank you!

My First Audition

When I was 10/11 years old, I read in my local newspaper that a group of executives from a prominent record label in Nashville was coming to my area. It was simple really, fill out the required paperwork, pay the $50 fee, and bring a blank VHS tape if you’d like the performance to be recorded.

We had recently moved to a new area, and ever since I’d been struggling to feel like I fit in. So if cleaned up the house, acted as perfectly as possible, and pitched the idea to my mom. I honestly don’t know why she agreed, we were never close and not once did she feign even the slightest interest in anything I enjoyed.

When the day finally arrived, we picked up my only friend and headed to the hotel ballroom. My song choices were between Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” and “My Immortal” by Evanescence. Both encased two different qualities in my voice that I thought sounded good, but ultimately I went with my girl Avril.

At last after hours of performances, they called me to the stage. While I was incredibly nervous, I’d also never felt more sure of anything before that moment. I remember wearing my white Adidas, the original old school ones, I stared them down so hard as the music began. I instantly regretted wearing khakis, like what was I thinking.

The video starts recording, and seconds after it begins, the sound guy can be heard asking my mom if she thinks that I’m actually gonna sing. Apparently my nerves weren’t as hidden as I had thought, and I would afterwards discover that I had sweated through my shirt and jacket, so I was drenched. But it didn’t affect my performance one bit, and I sang my little heart out.

I had a quiet start, but I finished strong, and the record execs actually expressed interest in me, but my mom couldn’t possibly allow me that much enjoyment out of life; in her words, I was lucky just to have gotten the experience. I’ll never forgive her for that moment, music is still to this day what I know I’m meant to do, and I tried so hard, but ultimately failed. I keep toying around with the idea of applying for the Voice, but I guess only time will tell.

Fall Tones of Orange & Red

The leaves are falling from the trees,

They land on grass that’s barely green.

Our eyes observe the many changes,

Our bodies feel the wind is blazing.

The air is crisp and slightly cold,

Preparing us for the snow to come.

Beyond the falling leaves we see,

The animals begin to flee.

They gather food and dig their holes,

Preparing to hibernate through the cold.

The birds are flying through the sky,

They’re heading south in search of warmth.

If only I could follow them,

I’d leave this town until the cold ends.


The Crippling Pain of Winter

When you’re living with mental or chronic pain causing illnesses, weather can have an immense impact on how you feel. As someone who has both, I just wanna touch base on how I personally struggle and hope that others out there who can relate will find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. That’s been the biggest benefit to me of being on WordPress, and I know I’m not the only one.

Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, affects a huge population of people all throughout the world, yet there’s still too many who haven’t heard of or don’t know what this is. We’ve all felt gloomy on a rainy day, but this is a much more heightened sensation. People struggle to different degrees, but people with SAD have to go through life knowing that where we live can negatively impact our lives.

I live in Northeast Ohio, about an hour south of Lake Erie, and the winters can be fucking brutal. The fall weather has only just arrived, and yet it’s already affecting my life. My pain level is the highest it’s ever been outside of my c-section, and my tolerance is running thin. I’m currently under no treatment or medications of any kind, either, which does make it harder I’m sure but it’s just not an option right now.

Currently my diagnoses include major depressive disorder, SAD, PTSD, rheumatoid arthritis, scoliosis, degenerative disc & joint diseases, hidradenitis suppurativa, eczema, psoriasis, and there’s multiple more. Every single one I listed is negatively impacted by cold weather, so right now they’re all kicking my ass badly. Here’s to hoping my family can one day have enough money to move somewhere warmer, maybe then my pain will stop overwhelming me so.

Self-Sabotage Stephanie

Today I’ve decided to address one of my biggest pet peeves with myself. I’ve never really met anyone that was very much like me, in fact, it’s been difficult to identify with other people for most of my life. I’ve always struggled to figure out exactly who I am. I’m sure a good deal of us feel that way, but I feel as though I’ve had a harder time than most.

There are few things about myself that haven’t changed drastically over time, and they’re not all good. To put it simply, I have a tendency of fucking things up based on nothing more than fear. I allow it to consume me, and therefore control my decisions, actions, and reactions. The handful of times this has happened proved to be the most difficult moments of my life.

The most unforgivable of those events was discovering that one of my biggest fears was success. When you’ve never felt something so basic and pure as pride in yourself, success seems like a foreign country, totally unbeknownst and incredibly overwhelming. Harder yet was admitting to myself that I wasn’t scared of losing everything I had worked for, I was scared of change.

Things have been absolutely awful as of late, and yet as scary as it is, I know that after so long of feeling sadness, pain, sorrow, loneliness… that I feel completely at home here. Change is scary, but I no longer wish to be the girl setting herself up for failure, I’m ready to be the woman who’s open to change so that I may teach my daughter by example.


Outside the Box

Forget about the rights we have, we abuse them every day, and yet in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away. Around any corner could be awaiting your dismay, but on and on we go, pushing through the day. We put ourselves in boxes, categorize ourselves by race, gender, sexual preference, but it hardly does a thing that isn’t detrimental to our beings. You’re more than just a number, a signature on a form, don’t sign your life away just to be part of the norm. You do not have to be like them, with this I must implore, so take my hand and grab a friend and help me change the world.

What makes you unique can’t be defined by a book, you can search through all my knowledge, look in every nook, but still you cannot label me, for I’m far outside your box. To me this is a blessing, not being assigned to any flock, but to most I am an outcast, deeper than any black sheep am I cast. They tease and push, lash and brush by like I’m nothing, like I’m no one, but I am content being unlike the rest of you, for I will teach my daughter to live outside your boxes, too. I’ll show her that what makes her special is what sets herself apart from the rest of the world, scattered and burned, I’ll teach her to survive your world.


Recklessness At Its Best

Everybody needs someone,
To understand and take their hand.
What happens when there is no one
To call a friend or give a damn?
You’ll give in to anything
To feel that love again.

Don’t let the past be your anchor,
It’s like tying weights to your feet.
Don’t let your fear get the best of you,
Can’t promise you won’t feel a thing.
But nothing in this life comes easy,
Not if it’s worth anything.

My heart feels like a big black hole,
Nothing seems to soothe my soul.
I search and look yet never find
A place to feel some peace of mind.
However inevitable drowning seems,
Hold your breath and burst the seams.

When the nights start flying by
And you’re running out of time,
Tell me here it all went wrong,
And how I’ll reach the end alone.

Breaking Point

I’ve never been whole but I can’t lose any more parts of who I am because I already don’t really even know who I am anymore. I don’t think my heart is but my mind is to the point where I can’t let myself show that to people anymore unless I’m sure they’re not just gonna break me.

I don’t know how many more times I can fall apart on my landing to rock bottom and put myself back together.

It feels like there’s too many missing pieces, there’s too many cracks, not on the surface but all the way down to the foundation. I’m scared to let people in, but when I need someone the most, there’s never anyone around who cares enough to try and help me break down these walls.

Chasing Sanity

Another song from my unfinished repertoire, I hope you all enjoy!

I wish my memories would disappear,
Like all the times you bailed on me.
They’re like the dreams that wake you
In the middle of the night.
The ones you wish you could forget
Are engraved deep inside my head.

No one should ever have to see
The dreadful things that I have seen.

I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

I’m tired of being gaslighted,
And I am tired of getting burned.
It feels like nothing goes right
In this messed up, lonely world.
Don’t look for me, I’m not around,
I’m over it, I’ve left that town.

I won’t be back, so save your laughs,
I’ve left your scene, cruel & obscene.

I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

Like sad eyes on happy faces, you can’t see what’s inside, just what I show on the surface. And this song goes out to over thinkers, yeah and the silence seekers whose screams could deafen, if only you would listen. If only you would listen… Maybe then you’ll see a different side of me, that I keep underneath this mask to keep myself from bleeding out again.

I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

Comedy in the Morning

Good morning; start your day with a smile! Here’s a random comedic thought using humor to talk about my actual fears, seems to help me cope!

I’ll forever be terrified of the idea of cruise ships, how many horror stories have you seen in the last five years? Everything ranging from drunk captains to disappearing ships. I just don’t want my survival to ever depend on my ability to swim, because its practically nonexistent. And let me just say, there’s plenty of room on the door you’ll catch me floating by on for whoever I’m with to join me. Yes folks, that was indeed a stab at Rose from Titanic for being a selfish bitch. #JacksLifeMatters

Dancing for My Daughter

I’ve never been much for dancing; despite music always being a part of me, despite being able to feel the beat, I’m too critical of what others will think of me to really let loose. That being said, having children will change you, and for this I’m so thankful to have a daughter, but I do struggle with picking and choosing how to handle certain situations.

One thing I’m absolutely sure of, though, is that I never want her to hold back because of an irrational fear of what everyone else thinks. So when there’s music playing or she’s gearing up to try dancing, I whole heartedly dance with her. I won’t let my fear rub off on her, I’ll take it as an opportunity to be better for her. That’s my goal every day of my life.

Madness & Mayhem

Here’s one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written, hopefully recording soon!

I’ve spent more time in my life
Chasing an invisible light,
Than I ever have trying to feel alive
And I feel like I’ve been wasting my time.
Who knew what I’d become instead,
It’s not the life I thought I’d have.
I’m a shell of who I thought I’d be,
Not half the girl I ought to be.

Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

I just woke from that dream again,
The one where I swore I was dead.
Just think of what it meant to me
To feel like I was finally free.
I need a way to find some peace,
Before life brings out the worst in me.
There’s no point fighting gravity,
Rock bottom’s where I’m meant to be.

Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

Madness, madness & mayhem,
I got caught up again,
Same old trend, I’d tell a friend,
But in the end, I’m all alone.
So now I, I gotta find myself,
Before I turn into someone else,
I think it might be too late,
Impossible to keep the faith.
I’ve lost all hope again,
I don’t want my life to end,
But I contend that I’m afraid
To face the cold on my own.

Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.
It’s not enough.
I’ve had enough.

Scarred for Life

“She was either wildly naive, or dangerously intelligent. Her body, flecked with scars, was a puzzle of near misses and mistakes that she wouldn’t let herself repeat.”

I seem to be identifying lately with concepts such as these. I’ve always struggled with whether I’m feeling weak or strong, and whether or not the person I’ve become is who I’ll be forever. I’m not proud of myself anymore, some days I feel like I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I hope that something comes along soon to remind me of who I am, and to give me hope that life can improve.

The Flames Among Us

He set fire to the world around him, but never let a flame touch her. He was fearless in the most dangerous of ways, not to others, not to society or humanity, but mostly to himself. In his mind, his thoughts all thrive on darkness and revenge. The plans he makes, the times he spends obsessing over every detail. He can’t subside without compromising everything he believes in, but he can’t seem to fight this newfound person living in his head.

Shadow Of A Doubt

You can’t run from your shadow, but you can learn to co-exist. You can fake a smile, run a mile, or pick up a new friend. Read a book, glance and look for some kind of distraction. Drive to the ocean, see the waves in motion, and stay there for awhile. Rub your toes in the sand, get yourself a tan, and really just go wild. You might unwind if you find the time to let yourself relax, so take a seat, put up your feet, and get ready to take a ride.

Enlighten Me

Pardon my imperfections, for they’re always shining through, despite my best intentions to hide them all from you. I’ve never been a saint but can hardly be called sinner, for even my worst mistakes were never meant to hurt you. I try and try, but fail I might to find some bigger reason for why things are the way they are, to just help me get through it. The tunnel has no light right now, none that I can see, but at least I have you by my ride to always cheer for me.


Phobia Phenomenon

What if our phobias are based on how we died in a past life? Imagine something so terrible happening to you, affecting you so deeply, that you even carried it with you after your reincarnation. For those of you who believe like myself, I think and hope that you’ll find it as intriguing as I do.

Phobias are something that even science struggles to make sense of, and from a psychological standpoint, I believe the nature versus nurture argument can easily be made here. Not every phobia is sparked by traumatic event, and sometimes the phobias of a parent can cause their children to follow suit.

While I’m a huge psychology buff, and I could happily debate or discuss nature vs. nurture all day, sometimes I force myself to think outside the box. In this particular instance, it just so happens that the seemingly “out there” idea seemed decently logical to me, at least compared to most other theories.

I’m not a religious person by any means, but I do consider myself to be spiritual in ways. There were times in my life where I was completely open to go to several churches and give it a shot, and I was a Christian once upon a time. I also didn’t always believe in reincarnation, but I’ve experienced things that have led me to reconsider.

Seeking Advice

To my amazing followers, I’ve one quite a few searches and read blogs and articles about it, but I’m still having an issue figuring out how to gain some more traction on my blog. If any of you could please offer any insight or advice, it would be so greatly appreciated! I’m off all other social media for reasons I won’t get into, so that kinda has me stumped on how else to spread the word. I’ve been following more bloggers on here as well and interacting with more posts trying to find others who can relate to my words the way I’m drawn to theirs. Thanks in advance!

Broken Ice & Glass

She was a girl made of ice and glass, but she would risk being broken to help someone in need, especially someone she loves. She’s the kind of girl that society says doesn’t truly exist, she’s elusive and isolated inside her own thoughts and feelings. She’s unable to put herself first, despite her visible fragility and lack of proper care. She’s secluded from society even in a room overflowing with people and noise, not for her lack of trying.

She’s the girl whose eyes convey a certain type of sadness that’s easily seen from across a crowd. The girl who makes you appreciate your life because of her obvious misery, the girl nobody wants to be around because of the suffering she shares. She’s unable to shield the struggles from her fave, even through the closest thing to an honest smile she can muster. She’s the epitome of empathy, yet her presence calls for sympathy no matter how hard she tries.

This post started as a short sentence prompt I found on Pinterest, but it quickly turned into something that I could relate with deeply. Have you ever started a prompt and it unexpectedly turned into your subconscious pouring out your feelings about yourself without you even realizing? I find this happening more often, despite my attempts to write outside of my perspective, sometimes it just forces itself out.

Expectations & New Foundations

If we learn to take the good and bad, find balance in the mess, then life won’t seem so crazy. Sometimes we expect too much and set ourselves up for failure. While we should hold on to our dreams, sometimes they’re just not meant to be and if we can’t accept it, then we’re screwed.

So now instead of thinking ahead and thinking about what we feel we deserve, then we can at least learn to appreciate the life that we have now. Living in the moment instead of obsessing over what if’s can give you some more freedom to enjoy the life we’re living.

This is something I struggle with but I’m striving to be better, to show my little girl that having less doesn’t mean I settled.


My Mother’s Mistakes

Simply put, I come from a tainted gene pool; the very small group of them that I do know and know of are all sick and twisted undividuals, riddled with a whole range of physical and mental diseases and disorders. If I’m being completely honest, my mom is the root of most of my biggest struggles, even still today. I’ve written about it briefly in other posts, but things have happened between us that have made therapists themselves cry.

We still have a relationship currently, not a healthy one by any means, but the only reason for that, despite my many attempts and resolutions, she’s good to my daughter. Essentially every time we’re in a room together, there is some type of disagreement at the very least, and while I do accept that I’m easily baited, it doesn’t get easier with age like I hoped it would. She thinks she can still dismiss and disrespect me and that just by being nice to my daughter, that makes it all okay.

She’s the reason so many of my relationships have either blown up or ended with me feeling broken. The only silver lining I’ve been able to find after all this time is just knowing that I’ll be the exact opposite as her, that my daughter will never feel demeaned and worthless in my eyes. I’ve said this to her face multiple times and she doesn’t even try to defend herself, but why won’t she even attempt a sincere apology?

There are moments in life that never leave us, ones that molded, defined, and deeply affected who we would after become. Addressing those issues with her generally results in either her claiming it never happened, that I made it up, and acting as though she has the right to be offended for being confronted on her own actions. How do I reach a point where I’m not enraged and outraged by her response, even though I know that’s what’ll happen?

I have an older brother that I will most likely never have the chance to meet, he was given up for adoption by my mom in 1988 when he was 10 months old. He was born in Puerto Rico and I would later find out that my mom never even filled out paperwork with the family he was taken in by, and it kills me that I don’t have enough information to locate him.

I’ve spent many hours since finding out about him when I was around 10 just hoping that he had an amazing life full of love and joy, hoping that at least maybe my suffering can hurt a little less knowing he didn’t have to suffer through it. I’ve daydreamed for days on end about what it might have been like to have an older brother around to protect and guide me. I hope I find you some day.

Random Re-Post

For any of my newer followers or anyone who may have missed it, please check out my short excerpt from my novel, The Kids You Don’t Know“. It’s a very slow work in progress, mostly because of not having a ton of me time and that given the content, it’s actually quite difficult for me to write. I hope you’ll give it a chance, it’s one of the most important things I’ll probably ever write. Thanks everyone, as always for reading and supporting me.

Nightmares and Terrors

“Welcome to the land of nightmares, where terror reigns and the only escape is in your wildest dreams.”

When I was 3 years old, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’m not comfortable getting into the why aspect yet publicly, but I would like to talk about how powerful our dreams can truly be, and how deeply they can impact our lives. Until I was a teenager, I would often sleep with my eyes open, too afraid to actually let myself get a restful night’s sleep. As a coping mechanism to help myself sleep better, I compulsively sucked my thumb for over a decade of my childhood, taking it with me well into my later teenage years. I couldn’t overcome it until I was 16 years old, although I started fully closing my eyes while sleeping when I was around 11. What people don’t tell you is that there are monsters in our minds as well, that our dreams can actually be quite haunting. I dreamt of things far worse than most of my childhood memories, and I seriously struggled to tell the difference between the two, becoming afraid that my dreams were actually reality. When you don’t feel safe at home and even your sleep becomes compromised, it’s incredibly and increasingly difficult to trust people, to allow yourself to enjoy and truly experience your life. Living in fear can really be the most crippling feeling, it can leave you feeling helpless and restless, and I wouldn’t wish it on even my worst enemies.

Breathe Deep

Inhale in, exhale out, don’t give up without a doubt. Times get tough, life will test you, but just push back and keep your head up. Underappreciated, overwhelmed, don’t let negativity wear you out. You are strong, you’re enough, everyone has opinions but that doesn’t mean they’re right. Value yourself and those you care for, for the cornerstone of life is cherishing those relationships. Take a breath, let it out, release all the anger you’re carrying around. It weighs so much, it weighs you down, so shake it all off and watch it fall to the ground.


Express Yourself

Don’t ever let society take from you what’s yours, the way you form your thoughts or the morals you support. Everyone has differences, they’re as clear as day, but do not let that hinder you from saying what you wanna say. You’re destined to be you, no matter what you do, there will never be another who exactly like you. Our differences divide us, but we don’t have to let them, let’s divide the barriers and grind them down to nothing.


A Plot of Earth to Call Home

Generally speaking, I’m not one for material possessions. Physical objects have never been important, and I don’t put much weight into them. I’ll forever love the lyric “The things you own, own you.” from Papa Roach’s first album. I never wanted to be the kind of person who needed things to compare to others or to consider myself successful. Life isn’t a competition, and unfortunately, too many treat it as such.

That being said, there is one thing that I’ve always yearned for, now more than ever after becoming a parent, and that’s a home that is truly mine. Many would say that is considered a material item, but when you’ve lived in poverty for most your life, you see that it is so much more than just that. Owning a home is having freedom, not just to decorate and silly stuff like that, but freedom to live, to feel safe and secure and comfortable. When you’ve only ever lived places that weren’t truly yours, there’s always this underlying fear of what could happen, where would you go if it was taken away.

Teachable Moments

As the first time mom of an almost three year old girl, I find myself often searching for things in life that give me the opportunity to teach her something, to teach myself something. Life is constantly presenting us with opportunities to learn and better ourselves, but most people fail to see the positivity that can come from even the worst situations. Recently my neighbors made a call to children’s services claiming that my daughter was being neglected. It was without a doubt one of the most difficult things I’ve ever gone through, but in the end, their unsubstantiated claims resulted in the case being closed almost immediately after the intake case worker met my husband and I. I’ve spent the last few weeks since then in complete and total isolation, holding on to this ugly anger and hate, harboring resentment towards their false claims. It’s not easy to rise above the muck when someone has deliberately tried to ruin your entire life, and I’ve really struggled through it, but I think I finally found myself again. I already struggle to trust and open up to others and this has truly set me back in ways I don’t even think have fully manifested yet, but I don’t want to let it happen to me. Does being conscious of your own unraveling thoughts give us the power to redirect them? Why do people throw stones from glass houses? There has been a plethora of domestic violence disputes next door, yet I have stayed quiet in an attempt to not shit where I sleep, so they say. Yet part of me believes that I should have spoken up, that maybe this all happened because she’s afraid to ask for help in her own life, maybe she thought this would motivate me to unveil to the world what’s happening next door, but I have so much on my plate that I just can’t add any more. I’ve been feeling so unlike the person I always thought I was, generally I help everyone before myself, but my daughter deserves more than just my selfless nature, she should be number one and she certainly is, but that doesn’t make it easy necessarily. How does one find balance between who we are, who we wanna be, and who we’re meant to be? I’m learning as I go.

Far From Average

Do you ever find yourself thinking you’re different than the rest? When you see people being hateful, do you fail to comprehend? There’s parts of me that still believe I’m nothing, that I’m no one; yet there’s another side of me that I don’t let myself show often. I’ve always felt as though no one truly ever understands, I form the words, they come out right, but they still don’t seem to blend. The harsh reality of the world we see can shake us to our core, it’s made me question who I am, and what life has in store.

Don’t be afraid to give yourself some much overdue credit, allow yourself to feel as though you can rise above it. You’re entitled to appreciate the work that you’ve put in, you strive and strive and try so hard to make sure you’re conscientious. Even if there’s no one else to notice your hard work, give yourself a pat on the back, because you are worth the work. While judgment is considered to be a negative trait, sometimes we need to judge ourselves to put us in our place.

Mentors Throughout Life

Every single one of us has come across people who’ve changed the course of your life, people who have inspired you and left a bigger impact on your life than you yourself could’ve ever anticipated. For me personally, high school would’ve been substantially more difficult without the unwavering support and understanding I felt from my teachers and my guidance counselor. While they’re the typical mentors kids look up to in school, for me they were so much more. As a lonely kid living in a strange new home with literal strangers, it was comforting to know that my time spent in school would allow me to depend on those people, and I leaned on them incredibly hard. I’ve tried in the years since graduating to reach out, to let them know how much they meant, to really tell them the permanent impact they had on me as a person, so much so that I still strive to make them proud to this day, despite the fact that we don’t speak.

If you or someone you know is struggling, is alone or depressed, do them and yourselves the biggest favor you could possibly offer, be supportive and seek out the support that you need. Never be ashamed of feeling the way you do, don’t let that stop you from expressing yourself, for you never know whose guidance could lead you down the path you’re meant to follow for the rest of your life. I can honestly say that I have no regrets about opening up to them, and they truly helped change the course of my life. Any little piece of wisdom or advice could be enough to pull yourself back off the ledge. Allow yourself to be helped, and allow yourself to help others when possible.

Watch Where You Go

I’ve recently decided, as a writer, that I needed to try and branch out. Here is my first attempt at an educational song for children. Feedback is very much appreciated and welcome!

With a good sense of direction,
You are always in control.
With a good sense of direction,
You are always in the know.
With a good sense of direction,
You’ll get where you’re meant to go.
And all you’ve gotta do is simply
Watch where you go.

When you’re up on your feet,
When you’re feeling the beat,
Be aware of what’s happening.
Don’t forget to stop and see.
When you’re walking the streets,
When you skip merrily,
It’s your responsibility to
Stay aware of your surroundings.

It’s not only the right thing to do
When you are on your own,
It’s also something you should
Always do when you’re at home.
But you should keep an eye out
For the people that you love,
‘Cause it’s nice and you know
They’ll do the same for you.

Brave Enough

You don’t need to be strong enough to change the whole wide world, you just need be brave enough to change your own small world. The bigger picture can’t be changed unless you start out small, the little pictures all add up to something much more meaningful. You can’t address the world’s issues unless you fix your own, so take the wheel, don’t back down, and do what needs to be done.


No Risk, No Reward

There’s always gonna be those days where nothing seems to go your way. You push and pull with all your might, but despite your attempts, nothing turns out right. You find yourself deep in the night, the silence takes away all fright and finally you can hear yourself, the words you’ve desperately tried to make out. There’s no shame in the loneliness, it isn’t all your fault, give yourself a break, sweetheart, for the best is yet to come. No one else can second guess the thoughts inside your head, try not to let them get to you, you’ll be better off in the end. Only you can express yourself best, just focus on that voice, don’t fight your thoughts, embrace the chaos, and accept yourself for who you are.


Explaining My Absence

Sometimes life can be so incredibly overwhelming that even venting and writing about our problems can be difficult. Lately, life has been kicking me while I’m down, seemingly one terrible thing after another continues to happen, and I met my breaking point. As someone without many friends, venting isn’t really something I do with anyone other than my husband and with you, my readers. I know there aren’t many of you who follow me, but those of you whom have regularly read my posts have given me a boost of confidence when I’ve needed it, and I hope you’ll be there for me once again. I’m going to attempt to force myself to get back on here, to find some new prompts and topics to discuss that I’ve maybe haven’t touched base on before. With the holidays and end of the year quickly approaching, it’s time I start trying to figure out exactly who I wanna be next year and for the rest of my life. So welcome back, those of you reading, and thank you for following.