My Own Bubble

Over the course of the last decade, I’ve transformed from someone surrounded with what I thought were loyal, caring people, to being utterly alone. As it turned out, none of those people were actually there when it mattered, so one day, I just decided that enough was enough, and said to hell with everyone.

Not exactly an easy decision when you’ve always had friends around you, or so you thought. It seems though that it’s now easier for me to just be with myself, my husband, and my daughter, and shut out the rest of the world. Some would attribute this to my depression, but it’s never been able to drive me this far from who I am.

Perhaps, instead, I’ve simply evolved into some other kind of person, one unrecognizable to myself, yet a person who’s better equipped to stand on their own. This was something I always struggled with, being alone, so I always chose not to be. Now that the option is mine, and while I won’t say it’s ideal, I won’t allow people into my life who don’t make me feel certain that they’re intentions are for the best.

After the ways I’ve been hurt, one of my biggest goals in life is to help steer my daughter away from those who don’t deserve her time, attention, love, and loyalty. Obviously someone will hurt her at some point, but I’ll help her from keeping them around for too long, as that was one of my biggest faults in life.

There’s a part of me that honestly wonders if I’ll ever be able to allow someone in, if I can ever trust someone a friend again, and how I’ll even meet someone is beyond me. My daughter is my life, and most of my time is spent at home with her, or cleaning, or grocery shopping, etc. I’m hopeful that I’ll find someone soon, but I’m not out there searching for you. Maybe you’ll find your way to me, eventually.

Bubble

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11 thoughts on “My Own Bubble

  1. They’ll find their way to you! And perhaps the people that are no longer in your life it’s because they no longer serve a purpose. Their time is up to move on. too struggle with loneliness, even as a mom to many. It’s a loneliness that’s felt from so deep within. I have rare illnesses that it seems no one understands. Slowly, trying to take each day as it comes.

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    1. I know exactly what you mean, I have rheumatoid arthritis and scoliosis and most people just do not understand that some days the easiest and simplest things are a struggle to get done and they can’t understand the pain it causes.

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      1. Yessss! My anxiety goes through the roof when there seems to just be too many things going on. And it may not be many thing, but between the pain and all, that one more thing is just enough to make me feel so much worse! I tell my husband, it seems like i don’t have good days, it’s either ok days or bad days! My pain is always there, always. I try not to show that, even physically, you’d never know I was in pain. But even that gets to be exhausting.

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      2. Keeping up the charade is not only incredibly difficult but it seems to be taking a toll on me in the long run. And yes while physically the good days seem to be behind me, once I accepted there would never be another pain free day, it became a tiny bit easier to allow myself to find joy and comfort in little things here and there. Hoping the same for you!

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      3. I just read your latest post and clicked the link to the other, just wanna say that while I’ve never heard of those disorders, I can still relate to that lonely feeling from always being poked and prodded. I wish there was a messaging system on wordpress, I’d say message me whenever but nonetheless, a comment works. Sending you well wishes for you and all those little angels you’ve got!

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  2. This was interesting to me, I’m going though a similar but different time in my life and just wrote a piece called mosaic… it’s sort of the opposite of bubble. Life is so weird sometimes.

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  3. Keeping toxic people out of one’s life is sound advice for all. But it seems so sad to miss the chance for true friendship and connection. Reaching out through your writing may be your safer way to connect. Right now, as you say, “your daughter may be your life”, but a time will come when you are not her whole life. I’m wondering how you decide whom to keep out. What about when she is older and wants to choose her own relationships?

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    1. She’s gonna make her own choices eventually, and when that day comes, all I can do is offer advice and try to support her making the right decisions for herself. Luckily though, she’s only 3, so I’ve got her for plenty of more time still.

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