Tag Archives: Achievement

My First Audition

When I was 10/11 years old, I read in my local newspaper that a group of executives from a prominent record label in Nashville was coming to my area. It was simple really, fill out the required paperwork, pay the $50 fee, and bring a blank VHS tape if you’d like the performance to be recorded.

We had recently moved to a new area, and ever since I’d been struggling to feel like I fit in. So if cleaned up the house, acted as perfectly as possible, and pitched the idea to my mom. I honestly don’t know why she agreed, we were never close and not once did she feign even the slightest interest in anything I enjoyed.

When the day finally arrived, we picked up my only friend and headed to the hotel ballroom. My song choices were between Avril Lavigne’s “Complicated” and “My Immortal” by Evanescence. Both encased two different qualities in my voice that I thought sounded good, but ultimately I went with my girl Avril.

At last after hours of performances, they called me to the stage. While I was incredibly nervous, I’d also never felt more sure of anything before that moment. I remember wearing my white Adidas, the original old school ones, I stared them down so hard as the music began. I instantly regretted wearing khakis, like what was I thinking.

The video starts recording, and seconds after it begins, the sound guy can be heard asking my mom if she thinks that I’m actually gonna sing. Apparently my nerves weren’t as hidden as I had thought, and I would afterwards discover that I had sweated through my shirt and jacket, so I was drenched. But it didn’t affect my performance one bit, and I sang my little heart out.

I had a quiet start, but I finished strong, and the record execs actually expressed interest in me, but my mom couldn’t possibly allow me that much enjoyment out of life; in her words, I was lucky just to have gotten the experience. I’ll never forgive her for that moment, music is still to this day what I know I’m meant to do, and I tried so hard, but ultimately failed. I keep toying around with the idea of applying for the Voice, but I guess only time will tell.

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Self-Sabotage Stephanie

Today I’ve decided to address one of my biggest pet peeves with myself. I’ve never really met anyone that was very much like me, in fact, it’s been difficult to identify with other people for most of my life. I’ve always struggled to figure out exactly who I am. I’m sure a good deal of us feel that way, but I feel as though I’ve had a harder time than most.

There are few things about myself that haven’t changed drastically over time, and they’re not all good. To put it simply, I have a tendency of fucking things up based on nothing more than fear. I allow it to consume me, and therefore control my decisions, actions, and reactions. The handful of times this has happened proved to be the most difficult moments of my life.

The most unforgivable of those events was discovering that one of my biggest fears was success. When you’ve never felt something so basic and pure as pride in yourself, success seems like a foreign country, totally unbeknownst and incredibly overwhelming. Harder yet was admitting to myself that I wasn’t scared of losing everything I had worked for, I was scared of change.

Things have been absolutely awful as of late, and yet as scary as it is, I know that after so long of feeling sadness, pain, sorrow, loneliness… that I feel completely at home here. Change is scary, but I no longer wish to be the girl setting herself up for failure, I’m ready to be the woman who’s open to change so that I may teach my daughter by example.

Identity

Outside the Box

Forget about the rights we have, we abuse them every day, and yet in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away. Around any corner could be awaiting your dismay, but on and on we go, pushing through the day. We put ourselves in boxes, categorize ourselves by race, gender, sexual preference, but it hardly does a thing that isn’t detrimental to our beings. You’re more than just a number, a signature on a form, don’t sign your life away just to be part of the norm. You do not have to be like them, with this I must implore, so take my hand and grab a friend and help me change the world.

What makes you unique can’t be defined by a book, you can search through all my knowledge, look in every nook, but still you cannot label me, for I’m far outside your box. To me this is a blessing, not being assigned to any flock, but to most I am an outcast, deeper than any black sheep am I cast. They tease and push, lash and brush by like I’m nothing, like I’m no one, but I am content being unlike the rest of you, for I will teach my daughter to live outside your boxes, too. I’ll show her that what makes her special is what sets herself apart from the rest of the world, scattered and burned, I’ll teach her to survive your world.

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