I tend to care for others before caring to myself, and it’s been so long since I’ve done it that I think I’ve forgotten how. I haven’t put my own self first in far too long, this much I know is true, but family comes first, they’re all I have to keep me alive and motivate me to keep fighting for life.
I’m struggling now to figure out what I should already know, so bare with me as I progress, for sometimes I’m not around. I’m not always reliable, not that I won’t try, but my body gets the best of me, chronic pain keeps me bogged down. My mind, it tends to follow when I’m overwhelmed with pain, so then depressions creeps back in and takes me prisoner again.
I’ll disappear for weeks and months, sometimes it turns to years, but seldom am I ever asked how I’m doing or feeling. Why reach out to others, if they don’t think of you? I think about them often and yet I never hear a word. If you care, as you say, and you think of me as well, then why is it you can’t take time to ask me about myself?
Is it because I’m some small reminder of a past you pretend you never led? Or is it that you can’t be bothered to comfort someone when you can’t understand the pain they’re in, that it’s easier to pretend there’s not people always suffering? Well it’s my life, so forget me or not, I’m stuck living a life you could never handle.
On this night of wickedness
Comes merriment and wonderment,
For people tell their children so.
Stories filled with fright and fun
Are told ’round a campfire,
One by one.
So one by one they build upon
The lies which ancestors spun.
Weaved carefully and carelessly
All at the same time.
But lies are never more than that,
The truth has always won.
For on this cherished night of fall
Evil companions scour the walls.
Ghoulish schemes are hatched
And planned by creatures
We have never seen
Outside of dreams.
So hold you children close tonight,
And check their treats for tricks.
For on this night we should be scared
Of the monsters we say don’t exist.
I try my best to be thankful for the little things I have, but it’s difficult when there’s always something new to bring us down. Money makes the world go round, so they say, I wouldn’t know. But I do know that needing more is stealing my joy and hope. My daughter loves me so, we’re as close as close can be, but because of her own issues, sometimes that’s hard for her to see. Our home is an apartment filled with neighbors who have tried to do everything in their power to get us kicked to the curb.
My husband is my best friend, and for years my only friend. We’ve been to hell and back together, an extremely difficult path. At first it began with us chasing our dreams, and oh did we get close. But now our lives consist of trying to figure out how to support us. We haven’t been alone in well over a year, I’ve never had a babysitter, and our daughter won’t tolerate being alone with strangers. I wish and try to find a way for us to live our lives to the most, instead we spend our days scared that we may not survive.
But having them alone should simply be enough for me, and gratitude is a feeling that is quite unknown to me. I’ve spent most of my life focusing on how to stay alive, I’m not quite sure I can figure out how to live a life instead. I’m trying to be better, to improve for my little girl, working out, eating better, never smoking in front of her. And yet them bigger issues in myself elude me so, I need some help to find myself before I get too old.
Let’s talk about the life I’d rather lead, one where my family is happy and healthy. A life where I’m free from constant pain, where every single day doesn’t seem like a drain. A modicum of truth that we all must accept is that the only certainty to life is that it ends with our deaths. It’s morbid, most say, to think and live this way, but I think of it as simply being a realist.
I haven’t always been this jaded, it’s a result of decades of feeling unappreciated. I put so many others before myself, I forgot that I’m supposed to take care of myself. That’s one of the hardest things to do when there isn’t anything that can help fix you. The pain I feel now will only get worse, to the point where one day I’m unable to move. It’s sad for me to now admit that I’d rather die before that day hits.
A ray of sunshine used to shine light onto everything that’s ever been dark in my life, but I find myself lately trying to avoid it, afraid for anyone to see who I’ve turned into. I can’t help myself but feel ashamed that I’ve let the world make me this way, this isn’t who I wanna be, and I’m trying my best to get back to being me.
Ever have something completely terrible happen to you? I’m talking the kinda shit that makes you wanna cease to exist, the stuff that makes you wish you were never born? I find those things happening to me more and more as life goes on, yet I’m still so taken aback, so surprised and overwhelmed, and I never know quite how to respond.
In these moments, I find myself feeling a sense of surrealism, wondering if it’s really my life, if it’s a nightmare, or if it’s even real at all. But it’s very much reality, life can be torturous and unfortunate and completely and totally unfair, but we must continue on our journey for those we love, for those who love us.
We can’t just give up every time life throws us a curveball, but we can cut ourselves some slack and allow ourselves a break to readjust and let the dust settle before we jump back in. We’ve been reprogrammed to believe and think and feel that crying means weakness, but in my humble opinion, it’s the exact opposite really.
If we deny ourselves the one thing our bodies are programmed to do when something awful happens, how can we truly heal our wounds? If we don’t let ourselves fall down, how will we ever learn to get back up again? And furthermore, what example is that setting for our children, the future generation that we’re raising?
The leaves are falling from the trees,
They land on grass that’s barely green.
Our eyes observe the many changes,
Our bodies feel the wind is blazing.
The air is crisp and slightly cold,
Preparing us for the snow to come.
Beyond the falling leaves we see,
The animals begin to flee.
They gather food and dig their holes,
Preparing to hibernate through the cold.
The birds are flying through the sky,
They’re heading south in search of warmth.
If only I could follow them,
I’d leave this town until the cold ends.
Today I’ve decided to address one of my biggest pet peeves with myself. I’ve never really met anyone that was very much like me, in fact, it’s been difficult to identify with other people for most of my life. I’ve always struggled to figure out exactly who I am. I’m sure a good deal of us feel that way, but I feel as though I’ve had a harder time than most.
There are few things about myself that haven’t changed drastically over time, and they’re not all good. To put it simply, I have a tendency of fucking things up based on nothing more than fear. I allow it to consume me, and therefore control my decisions, actions, and reactions. The handful of times this has happened proved to be the most difficult moments of my life.
The most unforgivable of those events was discovering that one of my biggest fears was success. When you’ve never felt something so basic and pure as pride in yourself, success seems like a foreign country, totally unbeknownst and incredibly overwhelming. Harder yet was admitting to myself that I wasn’t scared of losing everything I had worked for, I was scared of change.
Things have been absolutely awful as of late, and yet as scary as it is, I know that after so long of feeling sadness, pain, sorrow, loneliness… that I feel completely at home here. Change is scary, but I no longer wish to be the girl setting herself up for failure, I’m ready to be the woman who’s open to change so that I may teach my daughter by example.
Forget about the rights we have, we abuse them every day, and yet in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away. Around any corner could be awaiting your dismay, but on and on we go, pushing through the day. We put ourselves in boxes, categorize ourselves by race, gender, sexual preference, but it hardly does a thing that isn’t detrimental to our beings. You’re more than just a number, a signature on a form, don’t sign your life away just to be part of the norm. You do not have to be like them, with this I must implore, so take my hand and grab a friend and help me change the world.
What makes you unique can’t be defined by a book, you can search through all my knowledge, look in every nook, but still you cannot label me, for I’m far outside your box. To me this is a blessing, not being assigned to any flock, but to most I am an outcast, deeper than any black sheep am I cast. They tease and push, lash and brush by like I’m nothing, like I’m no one, but I am content being unlike the rest of you, for I will teach my daughter to live outside your boxes, too. I’ll show her that what makes her special is what sets herself apart from the rest of the world, scattered and burned, I’ll teach her to survive your world.
Pardon my imperfections, for they’re always shining through, despite my best intentions to hide them all from you. I’ve never been a saint but can hardly be called sinner, for even my worst mistakes were never meant to hurt you. I try and try, but fail I might to find some bigger reason for why things are the way they are, to just help me get through it. The tunnel has no light right now, none that I can see, but at least I have you by my ride to always cheer for me.
If we learn to take the good and bad, find balance in the mess, then life won’t seem so crazy. Sometimes we expect too much and set ourselves up for failure. While we should hold on to our dreams, sometimes they’re just not meant to be and if we can’t accept it, then we’re screwed.
So now instead of thinking ahead and thinking about what we feel we deserve, then we can at least learn to appreciate the life that we have now. Living in the moment instead of obsessing over what if’s can give you some more freedom to enjoy the life we’re living.
This is something I struggle with but I’m striving to be better, to show my little girl that having less doesn’t mean I settled.
You don’t need to be strong enough to change the whole wide world, you just need be brave enough to change your own small world. The bigger picture can’t be changed unless you start out small, the little pictures all add up to something much more meaningful. You can’t address the world’s issues unless you fix your own, so take the wheel, don’t back down, and do what needs to be done.
There’s always gonna be those days where nothing seems to go your way. You push and pull with all your might, but despite your attempts, nothing turns out right. You find yourself deep in the night, the silence takes away all fright and finally you can hear yourself, the words you’ve desperately tried to make out. There’s no shame in the loneliness, it isn’t all your fault, give yourself a break, sweetheart, for the best is yet to come. No one else can second guess the thoughts inside your head, try not to let them get to you, you’ll be better off in the end. Only you can express yourself best, just focus on that voice, don’t fight your thoughts, embrace the chaos, and accept yourself for who you are.
There’s nothing I’d rather do than creating something new, the patience and determination make me a better person. Learning to do many different things is my greatest joy in life, it brings me lasting pleasure to see my creations come to life before my very eyes. The latest thing I’ve learned do is crochet blankets, and now rugs too. The rug I’m currently working on is made with t-shirt yarn from old shirts that were shrunken, stained, or tattered, so I’m not just making something new, I’m recycling without making waste, too!
This has been the first word from Daily Post that I’ve had trouble coming up with something for, so I decided to take it upon myself to familiarize myself with the word better & fold it into my vocabulary.
Paragon: a model or pattern of excellence or of a particular excellence or someone of exceptional merit.
I wonder why it is that this isn’t a more prominent word amongst the English language, for I feel now that I know it better, it would’ve been a useful term to know prior to this. Paragon, a word I’ll now use as a goal for my child, I’ll teach her its importance, the value of the word. If I had known it sooner, I’d have done the same for myself, learned to live my life by it.
As the thorn tears through my skin, I feel a tingling sensation within. It caused me pain, and yet it helped me feel alive, the last time that I felt this way was when I got tattoos. Your words are made of bullets, they pierce and sting my soul, I can’t conceive that I believed the hatred you inspired. The way it all sounds in my head, those awful words you used, like “I wish you would die”, “Go find a new life”, or determining my worth. I’m haunted and I’m wounded, punctured through the heart, a new hole every single time you toy with my emotions. So I’ll never forget the things you said, I take them to my grave, and I’ll hope that in another life, I don’t see you again.
Trying to share a piece of myself with anyone else is where I struggle most, I push and pull, I’m needy and chill, and some days I just can’t help but cry until my eyes are running dry. So I taper off the parts of me that I don’t want the world to see, and hide behind what I perceive to be the idea of normalcy. I hope my act is convincing enough to keep the people out who have hurt me too much, to keep them from interfering with me and whatever it is my future may bring. So I tapered off the friends I had, until all that was left was my husband and then I even pulled away from him, realizing I needed to rely within. I’ve never been good at being alone, but I’ve learned to taper time by trying to do something good.
It isn’t just having luscious hair, or blaring your music everywhere, but volume can stand for so much more; the volume at which you hold your moral code. I find it harder to relate to people my age, they don’t seem to comprehend basic manners and humanity. If I had money I would be the biggest philanthropist, teaching kids to read and helping keep the water clean. The wealthiest Americans are crippled by their greed, never fully knowing the change sharing it can bring. All I know is if I could, I’d help the world any way I could, and show my daughter that morality and humanity never grow old.
I’m tough on the outside, my walls are kept high, I’m unable to identify with everyone around me. I’m pathetic and weak and feel sorry for myself, but I only let it show every once in a great while. I’m bad at reaching out, bad at asking for help, but mainly it’s because no one ever seems to care. Why would I continue to put myself out there, when all I’m ever met with is disappointment and discouragement? When someone asks me who I am, I ponder on whether to be honest or not, for it feels as though every single time I am, my calls for help still remain ignored. No one seems to understand and I wonder if they ever will, or if I’m just truly doomed to spend the rest of my days being totally and royally misunderstood. I’m delicate and tender, my feelings insecure, but people suck so I give up at making any new friends.
There’s people like me, unlucky and unloved, we find ourselves in harm’s way too often of the time. We’re valued as less because we’re poor, because of our color, our gender, or more, but mostly it’s the things in our lives we have no control over that contributes to the way society sees us. Tell me how that logic is fair, to judge other people for what they are, where they’re born, or what social class they fall into? Nothing about that is moral, yet it’s become the standard, a way of life for the middle class and higher to stick up their noses, to put down their foot and be selfish and greedy. We need more young people with fresh hearts and fresh minds to help spread positivity and solutions instead of passing judgment. The youth is our future, our present needs a revelation, some people to shake things up and show the world the devastation that’s caused by how we treat the poor, those who need help, and convince us to make those most vulnerable our number one priority.
Love and life, lust and loss, so many four letter words can define our lives. Hate and hell, risk and will, four letter words define our world. Winning and losing, losing and winning, everything depends upon your perception. Here’s what I think, this is what I say, as long as you learned something, you can win at anything. The biggest difference between triumph and tragedy is how you allow your life to impact you. There are heroes who’ve won and lost, but the greatest ones of all were not always winners. We’re human, we struggle, we fall off the path, we get too distracted and lose sight of ourselves. It’s those who’ve overcome misery whom are the wisest of all, and wisdom is only gained through perseverance. So fear not, even if you’re lost, for triumph is possible as long as you believe it.
The smell of fresh fall air after a light rainfall, the way the wind feels blowing on your face, the way you feel after a much needed embrace. We always hear that the best things in life are free, and for these reasons I’d agree, and maybe you can help me spread a greater appreciation for these things in the end. For too many people long for things, possessions, materialism, instead of what’s most imperative, to teach our children that money isn’t everything, that no one else can decide their worth, and if they believe in themselves then there’s nothing they can’t do. Give me the crisp, cool air, a crisp breeze through my hair, and my loved ones surrounding me everywhere I go. For these are the things that make life worthwhile, not the crisp dollar bills fresh from your bank account.
My brain is bursting with ideas no one will ever hear, for I’m ashamed for them to know the way that I’ve been thinking. My goals, achieved, or given up, for I can’t seem to catch a break. I tried and tried, and worked and worked, all to be treated like an outdated book. I’m polished, you see, my mind in tact, but that’s not what others see when they see me out & about. People are mean and cruel and fail to understand the concept of empathy, try living in my head. It’s loud and dark and overcrowded, occasionally I’ll find a moment of silence, but it is always too short lived, my inner self screams to be more than just within.
Tick tock goes the clock, my mind’s awake but my body won’t follow. I’m sick and depressed, it’s weighing me down, my shoulders drag heavy across the ground. I’m trying my best to just forget so that I can move on, but it seems I’ll never reach that point no matter how much time has passed so I’m forever lost and some suggest that it’s better this way, it’s for the best. My heart it plays a rhythmic beat, the sound I can’t remember, for its been so long since I’ve felt true love that every part of me is breaking. My bones they ache, through night and day, as I wallow in my lonely woes and yet I just can’t get a grip, I can’t forget what happened. The only rhythm left I’ve got is when I sing, but I don’t do it enough, for I torture myself, don’t do what I love, so I can forget what I’m good at and hit rock bottom.
Alone and abandoned, and barely hanging on; surviving instead of living, no matter how hard I try to leave the past behind me, forget it happened at all, so that I can finally be free, so I can finally move on. My life has just begun yet it seems that I’ve lived many, I can’t believe how long it’s been since the events that truly shaped me. There’s things I’ve seen you won’t believe, and so I’ll never tell you, but hear me now, I beg of you, that doesn’t mean they never happened. I’m jaded and I’m terrified, my life in flames before my eyes, and now I’m just convinced that I’m unable to exist inside this works, inside this cage, I’m tired of feeling rage. So if you think that you know me then you’re a fool for assuming that you know anything about me, let alone who I’ve become because you haven’t been around, I’ve been alone for quite some while but I’m accustomed to it now. I’m certain, yes I’m sure, that I’ll forever be alone because I’m through with being used and I will not just be abused so I won’t let anyone in, inside my walls is where I’ll live until my days come to an end, so farewell, so long, my friends.
Glitter, glitter, shiny and rare, reminding me to always be aware of all the beauty in the world, despite the fact that there is so much scorn. There’s wonder and glory all around, if you look hard enough it’ll surely be found. But times arise when you will find it’s harder for you to see the light, the tunnel appears dark, feels cold, but that’s the time for you to be bold. Don’t give away your sense of self, and don’t be changed by anyone else, for you are bright and shiny too, shimmering and good, and full of virtue. So don’t give up, please don’t give in, the world needs to know that there’s still truth in it, so be yourself above all else, and do what you can for everyone else.
Language is a barrier for those whom aren’t the same, from different places comes another dialect, another obstacle in the way. We must admit that we’ve been tricked for words are faulty and come out wrong, the one thing that’s international is our body language when something’s wrong. It’s obvious to anyone the pain in someone’s eyes when they’ve lost someone they love, or lost something they pride. The looks on the faces of homeless children conveys the anguish they exist with every day and the loneliness they feel is obvious for anyone to see. So now instead of allowing words to hold such power, let’s return to a time when we did more than just glance at one another, let’s study each other, faces and all so that we can empathize better than we would on our own. Notice someone’s pain, take someone’s away, but there’s no good reason to cause anyone any pain.