Tag Archives: Struggles

As human beings, regardless of our backgrounds, we’ve become conditioned to evaluate our success in life based on the monetary value of our material possessions. The impact of this trending train of thought has become detrimental to our society, and is especially toxic for those of us who already struggle to find our sense of […]

via The Long Road to Betterment — The Bipolar Writer

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My Own Bubble

Over the course of the last decade, I’ve transformed from someone surrounded with what I thought were loyal, caring people, to being utterly alone. As it turned out, none of those people were actually there when it mattered, so one day, I just decided that enough was enough, and said to hell with everyone.

Not exactly an easy decision when you’ve always had friends around you, or so you thought. It seems though that it’s now easier for me to just be with myself, my husband, and my daughter, and shut out the rest of the world. Some would attribute this to my depression, but it’s never been able to drive me this far from who I am.

Perhaps, instead, I’ve simply evolved into some other kind of person, one unrecognizable to myself, yet a person who’s better equipped to stand on their own. This was something I always struggled with, being alone, so I always chose not to be. Now that the option is mine, and while I won’t say it’s ideal, I won’t allow people into my life who don’t make me feel certain that they’re intentions are for the best.

After the ways I’ve been hurt, one of my biggest goals in life is to help steer my daughter away from those who don’t deserve her time, attention, love, and loyalty. Obviously someone will hurt her at some point, but I’ll help her from keeping them around for too long, as that was one of my biggest faults in life.

There’s a part of me that honestly wonders if I’ll ever be able to allow someone in, if I can ever trust someone a friend again, and how I’ll even meet someone is beyond me. My daughter is my life, and most of my time is spent at home with her, or cleaning, or grocery shopping, etc. I’m hopeful that I’ll find someone soon, but I’m not out there searching for you. Maybe you’ll find your way to me, eventually.

Bubble

Rolling Tide

Life is, at best, a series of curves, a continuous movement through space and time. And as we grow and bend and change, relationships, they mend and break. Evolution is required to make it through these trying times, but it’s not always easy, as with change comes fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of not knowing if you’ll endure the change, or if it’ll make you happy.

But happiness is relative, it’s an option, a choice, at least that’s what we’re told by those with the loudest voice. For me, though, it’s never been clear, whether the choice is even possible, or if it’s all a lie, an unreachable destination, an unachievable goal. And there’s really only one way to find out if that’s true – pursue happiness as if it’s the only thing that’s real.

Tide

Don’t Just Observe

Watch and learn, look and listen, this life we live, it has conditions. But one thing that I feel is neglected – information is taken for granted. Google this, look up that, I’m guilty myself, but it doesn’t change the facts. Knowledge is the richest currency, but college educations rarely serve their purposes.

This institution on which the constitution was intended to enrich, has instead been stripped away, and now it’s meaningless. My generation, we speak so loud, but those who have the power to do something are in doubt. Denial can be the most powerful drug, fueling race wars and inequalities for all.

So don’t wait around for an invitation, let’s do our parts, no matter the reach. For me, I’m a writer, a singer, and a mother, so I’ll write these words and sing a song of peace for my daughter. We can’t allow net worth to dictate how much someone’s worth. That’s not the future I had hoped she’d inherit, so let’s try to make this a better planet.

Observe

Astonish Me

Dazzle me with brilliance, evoke me with your pain. Please just help me feel anything but mundane. I seek and I seek, finding nothing each time, yet I still can’t help but seek some other life. Another time, another place, with another girl, a different face, maybe then I could be great.

I’ve tried and yet I can’t forget the person I’ve become, I’m desperate to remember who I was earlier in life. Once I valued my opinions, heeded my own advice, now all I’m good for is giving it to those who don’t even want it.

I’ve emptied out, a hollow shell, I’m not who I once was. The hardest part is not blaming others, and accepting my own role. It’s just that I’ve been broken so many times before, I can’t find all the pieces, they don’t fit like before.

Astonish

Three Month Lull

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been almost three months since I last posted. To all of my followers, I’m sorry for being so unreliable! If you’ve read a decent amount of my posts, you’ll know enough to know that when life gets tough, I tend to pack it in and call it until things simmer down.

This time, though, I’m forcing myself back out of my shell. Depression is a never ending force in the lives of those who’ve experienced it, which I reckon is just about everyone these days.

Some days are better than others, as with any other illness or whatever else, but there are times you’re just sucked into these long patches of it. It leaves you feeling helpless and insignificant, yet the only person to blame is yourself.

We allow it to consume us, at times we fight, but generally, we’ve accepted that there’s nothing we can do other than just to bear down and weather the storm.

When frustrations hits it’s all time high though, sometimes I actually do things like this, have to actually force myself back into something that I know I love and need. Sometimes I think I’m punishing myself for being depressed by depriving myself of things I love, so this is me testing the waters, so to speak.

I hate posts like this, writing them, not reading them, because at least when I’m reading them, I feel moved to see someone trying to come out. Yet when it comes to myself, this just feels useless and forced, and that’s the total opposite of what I love about writing.

Sometimes doing counterintuitive things can be good for you, maybe I’ll grow from it, but I can never be sure anymore. I’m currently always battling myself when it comes to trusting my instincts, but I usually hate going outside of that box.

What I really need, more than anything in life, is a real life, genuine, actual friend. I haven’t been connecting for years now and I truly think it’s put me on this downward spiral I feel stuck on now.

Anyways, thanks for reading and understanding as always. Hopefully I’ll push something good out soon, but for now, this was a start, and we’ll just have to see where it goes.

Tragic Tendencies

I tend to care for others before caring to myself, and it’s been so long since I’ve done it that I think I’ve forgotten how. I haven’t put my own self first in far too long, this much I know is true, but family comes first, they’re all I have to keep me alive and motivate me to keep fighting for life.

I’m struggling now to figure out what I should already know, so bare with me as I progress, for sometimes I’m not around. I’m not always reliable, not that I won’t try, but my body gets the best of me, chronic pain keeps me bogged down. My mind, it tends to follow when I’m overwhelmed with pain, so then depressions creeps back in and takes me prisoner again.

I’ll disappear for weeks and months, sometimes it turns to years, but seldom am I ever asked how I’m doing or feeling. Why reach out to others, if they don’t think of you? I think about them often and yet I never hear a word. If you care, as you say, and you think of me as well, then why is it you can’t take time to ask me about myself?

Is it because I’m some small reminder of a past you pretend you never led? Or is it that you can’t be bothered to comfort someone when you can’t understand the pain they’re in, that it’s easier to pretend there’s not people always suffering? Well it’s my life, so forget me or not, I’m stuck living a life you could never handle.

Tend

Never Enough

I try my best to be thankful for the little things I have, but it’s difficult when there’s always something new to bring us down. Money makes the world go round, so they say, I wouldn’t know. But I do know that needing more is stealing my joy and hope. My daughter loves me so, we’re as close as close can be, but because of her own issues, sometimes that’s hard for her to see. Our home is an apartment filled with neighbors who have tried to do everything in their power to get us kicked to the curb.

My husband is my best friend, and for years my only friend. We’ve been to hell and back together, an extremely difficult path. At first it began with us chasing our dreams, and oh did we get close. But now our lives consist of trying to figure out how to support us. We haven’t been alone in well over a year, I’ve never had a babysitter, and our daughter won’t tolerate being alone with strangers. I wish and try to find a way for us to live our lives to the most, instead we spend our days scared that we may not survive.

But having them alone should simply be enough for me, and gratitude is a feeling that is quite unknown to me. I’ve spent most of my life focusing on how to stay alive, I’m not quite sure I can figure out how to live a life instead. I’m trying to be better, to improve for my little girl, working out, eating better, never smoking in front of her. And yet them bigger issues in myself elude me so, I need some help to find myself before I get too old.

Gratitude

What I’d Prefer…

Let’s talk about the life I’d rather lead, one where my family is happy and healthy. A life where I’m free from constant pain, where every single day doesn’t seem like a drain. A modicum of truth that we all must accept is that the only certainty to life is that it ends with our deaths. It’s morbid, most say, to think and live this way, but I think of it as simply being a realist.

I haven’t always been this jaded, it’s a result of decades of feeling unappreciated. I put so many others before myself, I forgot that I’m supposed to take care of myself. That’s one of the hardest things to do when there isn’t anything that can help fix you. The pain I feel now will only get worse, to the point where one day I’m unable to move. It’s sad for me to now admit that I’d rather die before that day hits.

A ray of sunshine used to shine light onto everything that’s ever been dark in my life, but I find myself lately trying to avoid it, afraid for anyone to see who I’ve turned into. I can’t help myself but feel ashamed that I’ve let the world make me this way, this isn’t who I wanna be, and I’m trying my best to get back to being me.

Prefer

Surrealism in Reality

Ever have something completely terrible happen to you? I’m talking the kinda shit that makes you wanna cease to exist, the stuff that makes you wish you were never born? I find those things happening to me more and more as life goes on, yet I’m still so taken aback, so surprised and overwhelmed, and I never know quite how to respond.

In these moments, I find myself feeling a sense of surrealism, wondering if it’s really my life, if it’s a nightmare, or if it’s even real at all. But it’s very much reality, life can be torturous and unfortunate and completely and totally unfair, but we must continue on our journey for those we love, for those who love us.

We can’t just give up every time life throws us a curveball, but we can cut ourselves some slack and allow ourselves a break to readjust and let the dust settle before we jump back in. We’ve been reprogrammed to believe and think and feel that crying means weakness, but in my humble opinion, it’s the exact opposite really.

If we deny ourselves the one thing our bodies are programmed to do when something awful happens, how can we truly heal our wounds? If we don’t let ourselves fall down, how will we ever learn to get back up again? And furthermore, what example is that setting for our children, the future generation that we’re raising?

Surreal

The Crippling Pain of Winter

When you’re living with mental or chronic pain causing illnesses, weather can have an immense impact on how you feel. As someone who has both, I just wanna touch base on how I personally struggle and hope that others out there who can relate will find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. That’s been the biggest benefit to me of being on WordPress, and I know I’m not the only one.

Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, affects a huge population of people all throughout the world, yet there’s still too many who haven’t heard of or don’t know what this is. We’ve all felt gloomy on a rainy day, but this is a much more heightened sensation. People struggle to different degrees, but people with SAD have to go through life knowing that where we live can negatively impact our lives.

I live in Northeast Ohio, about an hour south of Lake Erie, and the winters can be fucking brutal. The fall weather has only just arrived, and yet it’s already affecting my life. My pain level is the highest it’s ever been outside of my c-section, and my tolerance is running thin. I’m currently under no treatment or medications of any kind, either, which does make it harder I’m sure but it’s just not an option right now.

Currently my diagnoses include major depressive disorder, SAD, PTSD, rheumatoid arthritis, scoliosis, degenerative disc & joint diseases, hidradenitis suppurativa, eczema, psoriasis, and there’s multiple more. Every single one I listed is negatively impacted by cold weather, so right now they’re all kicking my ass badly. Here’s to hoping my family can one day have enough money to move somewhere warmer, maybe then my pain will stop overwhelming me so.

Self-Sabotage Stephanie

Today I’ve decided to address one of my biggest pet peeves with myself. I’ve never really met anyone that was very much like me, in fact, it’s been difficult to identify with other people for most of my life. I’ve always struggled to figure out exactly who I am. I’m sure a good deal of us feel that way, but I feel as though I’ve had a harder time than most.

There are few things about myself that haven’t changed drastically over time, and they’re not all good. To put it simply, I have a tendency of fucking things up based on nothing more than fear. I allow it to consume me, and therefore control my decisions, actions, and reactions. The handful of times this has happened proved to be the most difficult moments of my life.

The most unforgivable of those events was discovering that one of my biggest fears was success. When you’ve never felt something so basic and pure as pride in yourself, success seems like a foreign country, totally unbeknownst and incredibly overwhelming. Harder yet was admitting to myself that I wasn’t scared of losing everything I had worked for, I was scared of change.

Things have been absolutely awful as of late, and yet as scary as it is, I know that after so long of feeling sadness, pain, sorrow, loneliness… that I feel completely at home here. Change is scary, but I no longer wish to be the girl setting herself up for failure, I’m ready to be the woman who’s open to change so that I may teach my daughter by example.

Identity

Outside the Box

Forget about the rights we have, we abuse them every day, and yet in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away. Around any corner could be awaiting your dismay, but on and on we go, pushing through the day. We put ourselves in boxes, categorize ourselves by race, gender, sexual preference, but it hardly does a thing that isn’t detrimental to our beings. You’re more than just a number, a signature on a form, don’t sign your life away just to be part of the norm. You do not have to be like them, with this I must implore, so take my hand and grab a friend and help me change the world.

What makes you unique can’t be defined by a book, you can search through all my knowledge, look in every nook, but still you cannot label me, for I’m far outside your box. To me this is a blessing, not being assigned to any flock, but to most I am an outcast, deeper than any black sheep am I cast. They tease and push, lash and brush by like I’m nothing, like I’m no one, but I am content being unlike the rest of you, for I will teach my daughter to live outside your boxes, too. I’ll show her that what makes her special is what sets herself apart from the rest of the world, scattered and burned, I’ll teach her to survive your world.

Trademark

Recklessness At Its Best

Everybody needs someone,
To understand and take their hand.
What happens when there is no one
To call a friend or give a damn?
You’ll give in to anything
To feel that love again.

Don’t let the past be your anchor,
It’s like tying weights to your feet.
Don’t let your fear get the best of you,
Can’t promise you won’t feel a thing.
But nothing in this life comes easy,
Not if it’s worth anything.

My heart feels like a big black hole,
Nothing seems to soothe my soul.
I search and look yet never find
A place to feel some peace of mind.
However inevitable drowning seems,
Hold your breath and burst the seams.

When the nights start flying by
And you’re running out of time,
Tell me here it all went wrong,
And how I’ll reach the end alone.

Breaking Point

I’ve never been whole but I can’t lose any more parts of who I am because I already don’t really even know who I am anymore. I don’t think my heart is but my mind is to the point where I can’t let myself show that to people anymore unless I’m sure they’re not just gonna break me.

I don’t know how many more times I can fall apart on my landing to rock bottom and put myself back together.

It feels like there’s too many missing pieces, there’s too many cracks, not on the surface but all the way down to the foundation. I’m scared to let people in, but when I need someone the most, there’s never anyone around who cares enough to try and help me break down these walls.

Chasing Sanity

Another song from my unfinished repertoire, I hope you all enjoy!

I wish my memories would disappear,
Like all the times you bailed on me.
They’re like the dreams that wake you
In the middle of the night.
The ones you wish you could forget
Are engraved deep inside my head.

(Pre-Chorus)
No one should ever have to see
The dreadful things that I have seen.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

I’m tired of being gaslighted,
And I am tired of getting burned.
It feels like nothing goes right
In this messed up, lonely world.
Don’t look for me, I’m not around,
I’m over it, I’ve left that town.

(Pre-Chorus)
I won’t be back, so save your laughs,
I’ve left your scene, cruel & obscene.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

(Bridge)
Like sad eyes on happy faces, you can’t see what’s inside, just what I show on the surface. And this song goes out to over thinkers, yeah and the silence seekers whose screams could deafen, if only you would listen. If only you would listen… Maybe then you’ll see a different side of me, that I keep underneath this mask to keep myself from bleeding out again.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

Comedy in the Morning

Good morning; start your day with a smile! Here’s a random comedic thought using humor to talk about my actual fears, seems to help me cope!

I’ll forever be terrified of the idea of cruise ships, how many horror stories have you seen in the last five years? Everything ranging from drunk captains to disappearing ships. I just don’t want my survival to ever depend on my ability to swim, because its practically nonexistent. And let me just say, there’s plenty of room on the door you’ll catch me floating by on for whoever I’m with to join me. Yes folks, that was indeed a stab at Rose from Titanic for being a selfish bitch. #JacksLifeMatters

Madness & Mayhem

Here’s one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written, hopefully recording soon!

I’ve spent more time in my life
Chasing an invisible light,
Than I ever have trying to feel alive
And I feel like I’ve been wasting my time.
Who knew what I’d become instead,
It’s not the life I thought I’d have.
I’m a shell of who I thought I’d be,
Not half the girl I ought to be.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

I just woke from that dream again,
The one where I swore I was dead.
Just think of what it meant to me
To feel like I was finally free.
I need a way to find some peace,
Before life brings out the worst in me.
There’s no point fighting gravity,
Rock bottom’s where I’m meant to be.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

(Bridge)
Madness, madness & mayhem,
I got caught up again,
Same old trend, I’d tell a friend,
But in the end, I’m all alone.
So now I, I gotta find myself,
Before I turn into someone else,
I think it might be too late,
Impossible to keep the faith.
I’ve lost all hope again,
I don’t want my life to end,
But I contend that I’m afraid
To face the cold on my own.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.
It’s not enough.
I’ve had enough.

Scarred for Life

“She was either wildly naive, or dangerously intelligent. Her body, flecked with scars, was a puzzle of near misses and mistakes that she wouldn’t let herself repeat.”

I seem to be identifying lately with concepts such as these. I’ve always struggled with whether I’m feeling weak or strong, and whether or not the person I’ve become is who I’ll be forever. I’m not proud of myself anymore, some days I feel like I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I hope that something comes along soon to remind me of who I am, and to give me hope that life can improve.

The Flames Among Us

He set fire to the world around him, but never let a flame touch her. He was fearless in the most dangerous of ways, not to others, not to society or humanity, but mostly to himself. In his mind, his thoughts all thrive on darkness and revenge. The plans he makes, the times he spends obsessing over every detail. He can’t subside without compromising everything he believes in, but he can’t seem to fight this newfound person living in his head.

Shadow Of A Doubt

You can’t run from your shadow, but you can learn to co-exist. You can fake a smile, run a mile, or pick up a new friend. Read a book, glance and look for some kind of distraction. Drive to the ocean, see the waves in motion, and stay there for awhile. Rub your toes in the sand, get yourself a tan, and really just go wild. You might unwind if you find the time to let yourself relax, so take a seat, put up your feet, and get ready to take a ride.

Broken Ice & Glass

She was a girl made of ice and glass, but she would risk being broken to help someone in need, especially someone she loves. She’s the kind of girl that society says doesn’t truly exist, she’s elusive and isolated inside her own thoughts and feelings. She’s unable to put herself first, despite her visible fragility and lack of proper care. She’s secluded from society even in a room overflowing with people and noise, not for her lack of trying.

She’s the girl whose eyes convey a certain type of sadness that’s easily seen from across a crowd. The girl who makes you appreciate your life because of her obvious misery, the girl nobody wants to be around because of the suffering she shares. She’s unable to shield the struggles from her fave, even through the closest thing to an honest smile she can muster. She’s the epitome of empathy, yet her presence calls for sympathy no matter how hard she tries.

This post started as a short sentence prompt I found on Pinterest, but it quickly turned into something that I could relate with deeply. Have you ever started a prompt and it unexpectedly turned into your subconscious pouring out your feelings about yourself without you even realizing? I find this happening more often, despite my attempts to write outside of my perspective, sometimes it just forces itself out.

Nightmares and Terrors

“Welcome to the land of nightmares, where terror reigns and the only escape is in your wildest dreams.”

When I was 3 years old, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’m not comfortable getting into the why aspect yet publicly, but I would like to talk about how powerful our dreams can truly be, and how deeply they can impact our lives. Until I was a teenager, I would often sleep with my eyes open, too afraid to actually let myself get a restful night’s sleep. As a coping mechanism to help myself sleep better, I compulsively sucked my thumb for over a decade of my childhood, taking it with me well into my later teenage years. I couldn’t overcome it until I was 16 years old, although I started fully closing my eyes while sleeping when I was around 11. What people don’t tell you is that there are monsters in our minds as well, that our dreams can actually be quite haunting. I dreamt of things far worse than most of my childhood memories, and I seriously struggled to tell the difference between the two, becoming afraid that my dreams were actually reality. When you don’t feel safe at home and even your sleep becomes compromised, it’s incredibly and increasingly difficult to trust people, to allow yourself to enjoy and truly experience your life. Living in fear can really be the most crippling feeling, it can leave you feeling helpless and restless, and I wouldn’t wish it on even my worst enemies.