Tag Archives: Tears

My Own Bubble

Over the course of the last decade, I’ve transformed from someone surrounded with what I thought were loyal, caring people, to being utterly alone. As it turned out, none of those people were actually there when it mattered, so one day, I just decided that enough was enough, and said to hell with everyone.

Not exactly an easy decision when you’ve always had friends around you, or so you thought. It seems though that it’s now easier for me to just be with myself, my husband, and my daughter, and shut out the rest of the world. Some would attribute this to my depression, but it’s never been able to drive me this far from who I am.

Perhaps, instead, I’ve simply evolved into some other kind of person, one unrecognizable to myself, yet a person who’s better equipped to stand on their own. This was something I always struggled with, being alone, so I always chose not to be. Now that the option is mine, and while I won’t say it’s ideal, I won’t allow people into my life who don’t make me feel certain that they’re intentions are for the best.

After the ways I’ve been hurt, one of my biggest goals in life is to help steer my daughter away from those who don’t deserve her time, attention, love, and loyalty. Obviously someone will hurt her at some point, but I’ll help her from keeping them around for too long, as that was one of my biggest faults in life.

There’s a part of me that honestly wonders if I’ll ever be able to allow someone in, if I can ever trust someone a friend again, and how I’ll even meet someone is beyond me. My daughter is my life, and most of my time is spent at home with her, or cleaning, or grocery shopping, etc. I’m hopeful that I’ll find someone soon, but I’m not out there searching for you. Maybe you’ll find your way to me, eventually.

Bubble

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Astonish Me

Dazzle me with brilliance, evoke me with your pain. Please just help me feel anything but mundane. I seek and I seek, finding nothing each time, yet I still can’t help but seek some other life. Another time, another place, with another girl, a different face, maybe then I could be great.

I’ve tried and yet I can’t forget the person I’ve become, I’m desperate to remember who I was earlier in life. Once I valued my opinions, heeded my own advice, now all I’m good for is giving it to those who don’t even want it.

I’ve emptied out, a hollow shell, I’m not who I once was. The hardest part is not blaming others, and accepting my own role. It’s just that I’ve been broken so many times before, I can’t find all the pieces, they don’t fit like before.

Astonish

Three Month Lull

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been almost three months since I last posted. To all of my followers, I’m sorry for being so unreliable! If you’ve read a decent amount of my posts, you’ll know enough to know that when life gets tough, I tend to pack it in and call it until things simmer down.

This time, though, I’m forcing myself back out of my shell. Depression is a never ending force in the lives of those who’ve experienced it, which I reckon is just about everyone these days.

Some days are better than others, as with any other illness or whatever else, but there are times you’re just sucked into these long patches of it. It leaves you feeling helpless and insignificant, yet the only person to blame is yourself.

We allow it to consume us, at times we fight, but generally, we’ve accepted that there’s nothing we can do other than just to bear down and weather the storm.

When frustrations hits it’s all time high though, sometimes I actually do things like this, have to actually force myself back into something that I know I love and need. Sometimes I think I’m punishing myself for being depressed by depriving myself of things I love, so this is me testing the waters, so to speak.

I hate posts like this, writing them, not reading them, because at least when I’m reading them, I feel moved to see someone trying to come out. Yet when it comes to myself, this just feels useless and forced, and that’s the total opposite of what I love about writing.

Sometimes doing counterintuitive things can be good for you, maybe I’ll grow from it, but I can never be sure anymore. I’m currently always battling myself when it comes to trusting my instincts, but I usually hate going outside of that box.

What I really need, more than anything in life, is a real life, genuine, actual friend. I haven’t been connecting for years now and I truly think it’s put me on this downward spiral I feel stuck on now.

Anyways, thanks for reading and understanding as always. Hopefully I’ll push something good out soon, but for now, this was a start, and we’ll just have to see where it goes.

Recklessness At Its Best

Everybody needs someone,
To understand and take their hand.
What happens when there is no one
To call a friend or give a damn?
You’ll give in to anything
To feel that love again.

Don’t let the past be your anchor,
It’s like tying weights to your feet.
Don’t let your fear get the best of you,
Can’t promise you won’t feel a thing.
But nothing in this life comes easy,
Not if it’s worth anything.

My heart feels like a big black hole,
Nothing seems to soothe my soul.
I search and look yet never find
A place to feel some peace of mind.
However inevitable drowning seems,
Hold your breath and burst the seams.

When the nights start flying by
And you’re running out of time,
Tell me here it all went wrong,
And how I’ll reach the end alone.

Breaking Point

I’ve never been whole but I can’t lose any more parts of who I am because I already don’t really even know who I am anymore. I don’t think my heart is but my mind is to the point where I can’t let myself show that to people anymore unless I’m sure they’re not just gonna break me.

I don’t know how many more times I can fall apart on my landing to rock bottom and put myself back together.

It feels like there’s too many missing pieces, there’s too many cracks, not on the surface but all the way down to the foundation. I’m scared to let people in, but when I need someone the most, there’s never anyone around who cares enough to try and help me break down these walls.

Chasing Sanity

Another song from my unfinished repertoire, I hope you all enjoy!

I wish my memories would disappear,
Like all the times you bailed on me.
They’re like the dreams that wake you
In the middle of the night.
The ones you wish you could forget
Are engraved deep inside my head.

(Pre-Chorus)
No one should ever have to see
The dreadful things that I have seen.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

I’m tired of being gaslighted,
And I am tired of getting burned.
It feels like nothing goes right
In this messed up, lonely world.
Don’t look for me, I’m not around,
I’m over it, I’ve left that town.

(Pre-Chorus)
I won’t be back, so save your laughs,
I’ve left your scene, cruel & obscene.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

(Bridge)
Like sad eyes on happy faces, you can’t see what’s inside, just what I show on the surface. And this song goes out to over thinkers, yeah and the silence seekers whose screams could deafen, if only you would listen. If only you would listen… Maybe then you’ll see a different side of me, that I keep underneath this mask to keep myself from bleeding out again.

(Chorus)
I’m shattered & broken,
But the cracks let the light in.
I’m rough at the edges,
But with honest intentions.
Don’t pretend like you know
A thing about me.
Cause the thing about me is,
It’s never what it seems.

Madness & Mayhem

Here’s one of my favorite songs I’ve ever written, hopefully recording soon!

I’ve spent more time in my life
Chasing an invisible light,
Than I ever have trying to feel alive
And I feel like I’ve been wasting my time.
Who knew what I’d become instead,
It’s not the life I thought I’d have.
I’m a shell of who I thought I’d be,
Not half the girl I ought to be.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

I just woke from that dream again,
The one where I swore I was dead.
Just think of what it meant to me
To feel like I was finally free.
I need a way to find some peace,
Before life brings out the worst in me.
There’s no point fighting gravity,
Rock bottom’s where I’m meant to be.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.

(Bridge)
Madness, madness & mayhem,
I got caught up again,
Same old trend, I’d tell a friend,
But in the end, I’m all alone.
So now I, I gotta find myself,
Before I turn into someone else,
I think it might be too late,
Impossible to keep the faith.
I’ve lost all hope again,
I don’t want my life to end,
But I contend that I’m afraid
To face the cold on my own.

(Chorus)
Set me on fire, watch me burn,
As the flames swallow me whole.
I lost myself so long ago,
Gave all I had, it’s never enough.
It’s not enough.
I’ve had enough.

Scarred for Life

“She was either wildly naive, or dangerously intelligent. Her body, flecked with scars, was a puzzle of near misses and mistakes that she wouldn’t let herself repeat.”

I seem to be identifying lately with concepts such as these. I’ve always struggled with whether I’m feeling weak or strong, and whether or not the person I’ve become is who I’ll be forever. I’m not proud of myself anymore, some days I feel like I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. I hope that something comes along soon to remind me of who I am, and to give me hope that life can improve.

The Flames Among Us

He set fire to the world around him, but never let a flame touch her. He was fearless in the most dangerous of ways, not to others, not to society or humanity, but mostly to himself. In his mind, his thoughts all thrive on darkness and revenge. The plans he makes, the times he spends obsessing over every detail. He can’t subside without compromising everything he believes in, but he can’t seem to fight this newfound person living in his head.

Shadow Of A Doubt

You can’t run from your shadow, but you can learn to co-exist. You can fake a smile, run a mile, or pick up a new friend. Read a book, glance and look for some kind of distraction. Drive to the ocean, see the waves in motion, and stay there for awhile. Rub your toes in the sand, get yourself a tan, and really just go wild. You might unwind if you find the time to let yourself relax, so take a seat, put up your feet, and get ready to take a ride.

Broken Ice & Glass

She was a girl made of ice and glass, but she would risk being broken to help someone in need, especially someone she loves. She’s the kind of girl that society says doesn’t truly exist, she’s elusive and isolated inside her own thoughts and feelings. She’s unable to put herself first, despite her visible fragility and lack of proper care. She’s secluded from society even in a room overflowing with people and noise, not for her lack of trying.

She’s the girl whose eyes convey a certain type of sadness that’s easily seen from across a crowd. The girl who makes you appreciate your life because of her obvious misery, the girl nobody wants to be around because of the suffering she shares. She’s unable to shield the struggles from her fave, even through the closest thing to an honest smile she can muster. She’s the epitome of empathy, yet her presence calls for sympathy no matter how hard she tries.

This post started as a short sentence prompt I found on Pinterest, but it quickly turned into something that I could relate with deeply. Have you ever started a prompt and it unexpectedly turned into your subconscious pouring out your feelings about yourself without you even realizing? I find this happening more often, despite my attempts to write outside of my perspective, sometimes it just forces itself out.

Nightmares and Terrors

“Welcome to the land of nightmares, where terror reigns and the only escape is in your wildest dreams.”

When I was 3 years old, I was diagnosed with PTSD. I’m not comfortable getting into the why aspect yet publicly, but I would like to talk about how powerful our dreams can truly be, and how deeply they can impact our lives. Until I was a teenager, I would often sleep with my eyes open, too afraid to actually let myself get a restful night’s sleep. As a coping mechanism to help myself sleep better, I compulsively sucked my thumb for over a decade of my childhood, taking it with me well into my later teenage years. I couldn’t overcome it until I was 16 years old, although I started fully closing my eyes while sleeping when I was around 11. What people don’t tell you is that there are monsters in our minds as well, that our dreams can actually be quite haunting. I dreamt of things far worse than most of my childhood memories, and I seriously struggled to tell the difference between the two, becoming afraid that my dreams were actually reality. When you don’t feel safe at home and even your sleep becomes compromised, it’s incredibly and increasingly difficult to trust people, to allow yourself to enjoy and truly experience your life. Living in fear can really be the most crippling feeling, it can leave you feeling helpless and restless, and I wouldn’t wish it on even my worst enemies.