Tag Archives: Unhealthy

Three Month Lull

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been almost three months since I last posted. To all of my followers, I’m sorry for being so unreliable! If you’ve read a decent amount of my posts, you’ll know enough to know that when life gets tough, I tend to pack it in and call it until things simmer down.

This time, though, I’m forcing myself back out of my shell. Depression is a never ending force in the lives of those who’ve experienced it, which I reckon is just about everyone these days.

Some days are better than others, as with any other illness or whatever else, but there are times you’re just sucked into these long patches of it. It leaves you feeling helpless and insignificant, yet the only person to blame is yourself.

We allow it to consume us, at times we fight, but generally, we’ve accepted that there’s nothing we can do other than just to bear down and weather the storm.

When frustrations hits it’s all time high though, sometimes I actually do things like this, have to actually force myself back into something that I know I love and need. Sometimes I think I’m punishing myself for being depressed by depriving myself of things I love, so this is me testing the waters, so to speak.

I hate posts like this, writing them, not reading them, because at least when I’m reading them, I feel moved to see someone trying to come out. Yet when it comes to myself, this just feels useless and forced, and that’s the total opposite of what I love about writing.

Sometimes doing counterintuitive things can be good for you, maybe I’ll grow from it, but I can never be sure anymore. I’m currently always battling myself when it comes to trusting my instincts, but I usually hate going outside of that box.

What I really need, more than anything in life, is a real life, genuine, actual friend. I haven’t been connecting for years now and I truly think it’s put me on this downward spiral I feel stuck on now.

Anyways, thanks for reading and understanding as always. Hopefully I’ll push something good out soon, but for now, this was a start, and we’ll just have to see where it goes.

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Tragic Tendencies

I tend to care for others before caring to myself, and it’s been so long since I’ve done it that I think I’ve forgotten how. I haven’t put my own self first in far too long, this much I know is true, but family comes first, they’re all I have to keep me alive and motivate me to keep fighting for life.

I’m struggling now to figure out what I should already know, so bare with me as I progress, for sometimes I’m not around. I’m not always reliable, not that I won’t try, but my body gets the best of me, chronic pain keeps me bogged down. My mind, it tends to follow when I’m overwhelmed with pain, so then depressions creeps back in and takes me prisoner again.

I’ll disappear for weeks and months, sometimes it turns to years, but seldom am I ever asked how I’m doing or feeling. Why reach out to others, if they don’t think of you? I think about them often and yet I never hear a word. If you care, as you say, and you think of me as well, then why is it you can’t take time to ask me about myself?

Is it because I’m some small reminder of a past you pretend you never led? Or is it that you can’t be bothered to comfort someone when you can’t understand the pain they’re in, that it’s easier to pretend there’s not people always suffering? Well it’s my life, so forget me or not, I’m stuck living a life you could never handle.

Tend

Inside My Workout Binder

Exercise was never part of my life, if I’m being totally honest. It wasn’t until I found out about some of my physical conditions and I started going to physical therapy that I learned the importance of it. Being a mom now, I wanna make sure my daughter sees me working on my body so that she can grow up knowing how important it really is.

What I’d Prefer…

Let’s talk about the life I’d rather lead, one where my family is happy and healthy. A life where I’m free from constant pain, where every single day doesn’t seem like a drain. A modicum of truth that we all must accept is that the only certainty to life is that it ends with our deaths. It’s morbid, most say, to think and live this way, but I think of it as simply being a realist.

I haven’t always been this jaded, it’s a result of decades of feeling unappreciated. I put so many others before myself, I forgot that I’m supposed to take care of myself. That’s one of the hardest things to do when there isn’t anything that can help fix you. The pain I feel now will only get worse, to the point where one day I’m unable to move. It’s sad for me to now admit that I’d rather die before that day hits.

A ray of sunshine used to shine light onto everything that’s ever been dark in my life, but I find myself lately trying to avoid it, afraid for anyone to see who I’ve turned into. I can’t help myself but feel ashamed that I’ve let the world make me this way, this isn’t who I wanna be, and I’m trying my best to get back to being me.

Prefer

The Crippling Pain of Winter

When you’re living with mental or chronic pain causing illnesses, weather can have an immense impact on how you feel. As someone who has both, I just wanna touch base on how I personally struggle and hope that others out there who can relate will find comfort in knowing you’re not alone. That’s been the biggest benefit to me of being on WordPress, and I know I’m not the only one.

Seasonal affective disorder, or SAD, affects a huge population of people all throughout the world, yet there’s still too many who haven’t heard of or don’t know what this is. We’ve all felt gloomy on a rainy day, but this is a much more heightened sensation. People struggle to different degrees, but people with SAD have to go through life knowing that where we live can negatively impact our lives.

I live in Northeast Ohio, about an hour south of Lake Erie, and the winters can be fucking brutal. The fall weather has only just arrived, and yet it’s already affecting my life. My pain level is the highest it’s ever been outside of my c-section, and my tolerance is running thin. I’m currently under no treatment or medications of any kind, either, which does make it harder I’m sure but it’s just not an option right now.

Currently my diagnoses include major depressive disorder, SAD, PTSD, rheumatoid arthritis, scoliosis, degenerative disc & joint diseases, hidradenitis suppurativa, eczema, psoriasis, and there’s multiple more. Every single one I listed is negatively impacted by cold weather, so right now they’re all kicking my ass badly. Here’s to hoping my family can one day have enough money to move somewhere warmer, maybe then my pain will stop overwhelming me so.

Breaking Point

I’ve never been whole but I can’t lose any more parts of who I am because I already don’t really even know who I am anymore. I don’t think my heart is but my mind is to the point where I can’t let myself show that to people anymore unless I’m sure they’re not just gonna break me.

I don’t know how many more times I can fall apart on my landing to rock bottom and put myself back together.

It feels like there’s too many missing pieces, there’s too many cracks, not on the surface but all the way down to the foundation. I’m scared to let people in, but when I need someone the most, there’s never anyone around who cares enough to try and help me break down these walls.

My Mother’s Mistakes

Simply put, I come from a tainted gene pool; the very small group of them that I do know and know of are all sick and twisted undividuals, riddled with a whole range of physical and mental diseases and disorders. If I’m being completely honest, my mom is the root of most of my biggest struggles, even still today. I’ve written about it briefly in other posts, but things have happened between us that have made therapists themselves cry.

We still have a relationship currently, not a healthy one by any means, but the only reason for that, despite my many attempts and resolutions, she’s good to my daughter. Essentially every time we’re in a room together, there is some type of disagreement at the very least, and while I do accept that I’m easily baited, it doesn’t get easier with age like I hoped it would. She thinks she can still dismiss and disrespect me and that just by being nice to my daughter, that makes it all okay.

She’s the reason so many of my relationships have either blown up or ended with me feeling broken. The only silver lining I’ve been able to find after all this time is just knowing that I’ll be the exact opposite as her, that my daughter will never feel demeaned and worthless in my eyes. I’ve said this to her face multiple times and she doesn’t even try to defend herself, but why won’t she even attempt a sincere apology?

There are moments in life that never leave us, ones that molded, defined, and deeply affected who we would after become. Addressing those issues with her generally results in either her claiming it never happened, that I made it up, and acting as though she has the right to be offended for being confronted on her own actions. How do I reach a point where I’m not enraged and outraged by her response, even though I know that’s what’ll happen?

I have an older brother that I will most likely never have the chance to meet, he was given up for adoption by my mom in 1988 when he was 10 months old. He was born in Puerto Rico and I would later find out that my mom never even filled out paperwork with the family he was taken in by, and it kills me that I don’t have enough information to locate him.

I’ve spent many hours since finding out about him when I was around 10 just hoping that he had an amazing life full of love and joy, hoping that at least maybe my suffering can hurt a little less knowing he didn’t have to suffer through it. I’ve daydreamed for days on end about what it might have been like to have an older brother around to protect and guide me. I hope I find you some day.